Oh, look. The kitchen bin lid is suddenly yet again precariously perched upon a pile of malodourous waste within, allowing an unpleasant reek to escape notwithstanding a few hours ago it was only half empty and well sealed off from the outside by its deliberately snug fitting lid. I suppose I had better empty it, as this is a task that no-one else who has EVER lived in my house ever felt they might possibly undertake.
Oh,look. As is frequently the case, the bin also has a thin layer of stinking liquid which has made its way through the bin bag and settled in the bottom. The task just went from a 30 second task to a ten minute one….
I am going to spell it out to all of you useless and thoughtless fuckers out there who believe in a bin fairy:
1. Stuff does not disappear when you put it in the kitchen bin. It endures. You may believe it has gone from your life but it is still there, but now it is in the bin. It can still stink and smear. You might consider wrapping up sloppy stinky stuff before throwing it away in a receptacle we are sharing living space with.
2. Kitchen bins have a limited capacity. At some point they need to be emptied. A hint that this might need doing is offered by the inability for you to be able to replace the lid properly leaving the effect of the lid as jaunty little bonnet.
3. A bin liner is made of thin plastic, not reinforced concrete. Razor sharp tin lids, kebab skewers, even angular packaging can rupture this delicate membrane, especially when forced into it at pressure. This makes pouring noxious liquids into a bin even less of a good idea than it already is.
4. A swing lid on a kitchen bin is not a sort of chute down which you slide whatever you are throwing away on its route to the interior. It should be swung out of the way. That way it remains more aesthetically pleasing. Fascinating as it may be for me to be able to tell at a glance that you had spaghetti bolognese for dinner…
5. If you have been forced somehow into tidying up your own life by collecting up some rubbish in a sizable plastic bag all on your own..or you are throwing out any sizeable object….consider taking the extra 12 steps and putting it directly in the outside bin rather than putting it in the virgin, recently emptied kitchen bin and rendering it half full again immediately.
6. Collapsed plastic 2 litre bottles and cereal packets enclose a lot of empty space. This space remains empty even when you put these things in the bin. No, really, they do. They then take up valuable space which could be occupied by rubbish. If you never empty the bin yourself I can see how this may not be an important concept ….nevertheless, I mention it as a topological thought experiment for you.
One day, someone who shares this house with me will take it upon themselves to notice that the bin is full enough to need emptying, empty it, swill it out with a bit of hot water and bleach, clean the lid, even on the underside and install a new bin liner in the correct way. I might be able to restrain myself from falling upon their neck and kissing them passionately but at the very least I will probably rewrite my will to include a handsome provision for them. Far more likely is that one day I will, after having done just this myself, return to the bin a few minutes later to find that someone has decided that their own , slightly smaller, bin has reached the end of its useful life and they have managed get it out of their life by fitting it , filthy, overflowing and copiously leaking, exactly into my kitchen bin.