Dick Royal – Reading fan

Cor blimey, if Chris Grunter was anywhere near as good as Network 23 at defending we’d be in the Premiership now.

I’ve been trying to give you my expert view but I think Network 23 must be run by Brentford fans.

Anyway they couldn’t stop me passing on my expert tips to Clarkson, nor could they stop that battering we gave the Rams.

And now QPR are going down that’ll be the end of them. Hurr hurr.

As for the proper hoops, now it’s time to have a calm look back at the season and carefully think about the way forward in a responsible and thoughtful manner.

GET LOG POG, GET LOST YABUKU AND GET LOST MOREWOOD.

The fat lump of a Russian didn’t listen to me at Wembley when I was shouting to pass to Jamie Mackay, Yabuku was apparently too fat and useless to travel to Derby and Morewood…well. Once he can get a corner over the head of the first defender I’d consider him for the reserves.

Other than that they need to get rid of Alan Federici and let Michael Anderson have a go.

Then get rid of Gordon Obita, since he peaked about two years ago.

Alec Pearce is a big yob with a big gob and Michael Hector might be good one day but not yet.

Get rid of them and we’ll be on the up. Mrs Satsuma must have finished painting her house in Windsor by now so it’s about time she saved up a few quid to buy some new players.

Majeski’s off the rich list so it’s time he got a proper job. All he does is ponce about the place so I suggest he gets one of those Domino’s Pizza boards and advertises them £6.99 pizzas.

Right that’s making me hungry.

Have a good close season ladies and gents and you can look forward to my expertise next season. In the meantime support the boys and try not to be too judgmental.

URZZZZZ

I’m back. Hope you’ve managed to struggle by with your little understand of football while I’ve been away.

Bleed’n network 23 wouldn’t let me in. No wonder Reading’s form has gone south.

Luckily I send Clarkson my advice for the Semi Final and the only thing he ignored was that I told him to drop Alan Federici.

Always knew it was a mistake to put an Aussie in goal. Stands to reason. I mean, they are all descendants of our criminals. But of course they are the ones that got caught so they are always going to be the dopier ones.

Might as well have put some of our own crooks on that pitch since Venga reckons we were aggressive. Weird git.

Talking of weird gits, all that money from the cup run might just pay a couple of weeks of Pog’s wages. Fat Russian berk was extra useless on Saturday. Sack him now Majeski.

Time to welcome the boys home Wednesday. I’m bringing me Aussie flag to celebrate Fedders. Great keeper. Hope you lot aren’t gonna start moaning about him.

URRZZZZ

I was having a word with Kingsley at the Brighton game.

Since none of you know as much about football as me and that dumbo boy Charlie tagged along with me and the boys on Tuesday, I had to get someone sensible I could have a proper football talk with. I called him over and it turns out he’s quite knowledgeable so I asked him to pass on my top tips for Clarkson.

What I didn’t tell him to do was sign that low grade half wit Zat Knight. Another lumbering great hasbeen that can only play for 10 minutes.

Anyway as I told you lot, we were always going for the draw against Bradford so we could wait and see who we got in the semis so we could decide if we fancied it.

I reckon a nice little trip to Wembley to get stuffed by the Arsenal will do nicely. We can lose against Watford – use them for practice – then get all fired up for the big one on Monday.

Alan Federici will have to be on top form and Jamie Markie will need to carry on doing the business while the fat lumbering Pog carries on not scoring. Chris Grunter needs to get a spikier and what happened to Gordon Obita?

Clarkson needs to concentrate on getting Jim Karacan fit again, getting rid of Cox and telling Denny Williams to get his finger out.

I’ll be giving my advice to all around on Monday so don’t watch it on telly, come and listen to me. You’ll find out how clever I am then.

URZZZZZ

Might be my fault.

I know Clarkson hasn’t got a clue, Yabuku is a fat lump and the sooner Alan Federici goes back home the better.

I know we didn’t have a forward who could shoot but at least Oliver Morewood got it right when he said we had to stop winning on Saturdays and losing on Tuesdays. Hurr hurr, we sorted that problem out.

Simon Cox is as effective as my dimwit son Charlie, who thankfully cleared off today and wasn’t offering his waffling, driveling, tuneless songs and halfwitted advice.

No, with all these games on Tuesdays and Saturdays I can’t keep up.

So it’s up to me to up my game and give the manager my advice a bit more often. And I need to educate you lot coz you know nothing about football.

On Tuesday we gotta stop Alfie Le Fondre. Never mind the rest they are nobodies. One nil to us and everyone can stop moaning. You lot do too much of that.

Then we’ll beat Bradford easily. Then Arsenal in the semi final and bon nuit Vienna coz we’ll lose about five nil to them.

And that’s coz we’re a useless, boring team of rubbish players. Sort it out Majeski.

Up the Royals.

URZZZZ

Cor blimey. You can’t get that dimwit Charlie off my computer when we’ve just got stuffed by Leeds – as I predicted – then when you go up to Derby and Ram it to them – as I knew we would – and he wants to tell the world all about it. And on my bleedn’ computer.

But I’m here now and ready to tell you where we went wrong and right.

First of all we thought we could play better at home to Leeds by bringing on that lardy sack of potatoes Yabuku. Lazy, fat, useless, unfit lump he is. Could hardly move. Looked like my missus, though she’s got a better idea of the lone striker role than him.

That’s why we lost. That and that donut Alan Federici who also looked like my missus for the first goal, only he looked like her in the bath when she dropped the soap.

Majeski needs to have a work with Mrs Satsuma about having no money and playing these two amateurs. They’re both past it. Not Majeski and her. I mean Fatso and the Aussie.

I sent an email to Clarkson to tell him where he was going wrong and then he puts them both in the squad for Derby. Idiot.

Course, I knew we’d win. We had the right team. Fedders was a star as usual and my boy Yabuku was fed – and he scored.

Only trouble with that game was the ref. Even that idiot Tim Dellors noticed he was useless.

Why can’t they be more consistent?

I reckon 5-0 against Wigan. I’ll be back on here to explain how it happened and why we got Liverpool in the cup again.

URZZZZZ

Knew it.

As soon as we put Yabuku on the bench that fat Russian git Pog realised he has to wake up.

I knew all along that Clarkson was the man for Reading.

I would have told you why we beat Sheffield last week but dimwit Charlie had been using the laptop and going to some blooming weird websites. I couldn’t get rid of all these women that kept popping up and telling me to phone them.

I was going to tell them to get off my screen but the number didn’t work. Some bloke answered it. Rude git he was.

Anyway nothing better than beating Wolves but now we’ve got Jim Karacan waiting to get back, Hopeless Akpan working his magic and Cox. Well I dunno what he’s there for.

But bring on dirty Leeds. Time we gave them a thumping. Maybe Charlie will stay at home on the computer so we don’t have to listen to him. Dimwited prat.

See you next Tuesday.

URZZZZ

Well I hung on to tell you about how about all what’s happened.

But that idiot Clarkson has already gone and got all tetchy just like Atkins so I need put him straight.

Listen you idiot. Gary McCleary is one of our top boys and sitting on the bench ain’t going to work like tearing down the wing does. He can’t cross it from the dugout and he probably can’t understand what you’re on about so get him in for Sheff Wed.

We still ain’t seeing Jim Karacan do his stuff which he could have done easily against clueless Cardiff. Alfie Le Fondre had to get away rather than face us again and now we’re told we need a striker and Kebe is available.

Well we don’t want him. Nor Kevin Doyle, now he’s back at Wolves.

They’re all useless. And we don’t want Glynn Murray. He’s useless too.

We need Hal Ronson-Kanu. He’s doing the business now. Apart from against Millwall of course. And he’s still a bit fat. And he’s a lazy git. And can’t cross the ball.

But I told you what would happen at Cardiff didn’t I? And we’re gonna beat Steve McClaridge’s Derby now. Then what? We’re going to Wembley, that’s what.

Let’s start with Sheffield. Get behind ’em you lot.

And stop moaning.

URZZZZZZ

Clarkson got it all wrong again but then I knew he would.

Dopey, baldy idiot didn’t put Jim Karacan in the team like I told him and still hasn’t taught Gordon Obita to cross the ball yet.

Now he’s on about signing players. Well here’s three positions we need: forwards, midfielders and defenders. But if we ain’t got no money we ain’t going to get far, especially when Mrs Satsuma is hiding away in Bangkok.

Ain’t no co-incidence neither that Majeski sold up to them Thais so that he can go off to foreign holidays when he loses all his money over here.

Well now if you know anything about football like me you’ll know we will beat Cardiff in the FA Cup next week but only if he listens to me.

He needs to start by dropping Grunter, Morewood and Ronson-Kanu and put some of those kids back in.

Then get the fans supporting the club for once. Most of you lot do nothing but moan.

Check back next week and admit I was right.

URZZZZZZ

Just as Alan Federici was flying up to that long range shot, you might have noticed I was pointing to where he was going to put it and good old Fedders was taking my advice.

Good job coz without Glynn Murray all we’ve got up front is that fat pillock of a Russian so we were never gonna score.

Simple Simon Cox had no idea what he was doing and but thank God Jim Karacan is back in there. Luckily I told Clarkson about him at the Norwich game. Well if I didn’t, who else would?

Even with him we couldn’t get a goal. Never will, not with that doughnut Hal Ronson-Kanu. Bunch of average nobodies we are.

So who do you think we’ll have in the transfer window? Palace will no doubt keep Murray and now everyone’s getting excited about Micky Maynard.

His trouble is he’s hopeless. That won’t be enough to stop Nicky Salmond from buying him though.

But if we do, you lot who know nothing about football need to shut up and give him a chance while he settles in among the rest of the useless bunch of halfwits.

Normally you just moan about the team.

URZZZZ

Got to say this Steve Clarkson’s got his head screwed on and listens to me when I tell him tactics.

Only thing he got wrong was putting Michael Anderson in goal. That was a waste of time coz he never touched it!

But Chris Grunter is so good now, the Norwich manager has resigned after he did the business against them.

Mick Blackman is showing all you lot who know nothing about football, how I was right to stand by him. What a player.

Now Palace have gone and played Glynn Murray we can’t have him back for when we beat Cardiff in the next round. This time we need to shut Alfie le Fondre up and we gotta stop Sean Morrisons.

But the way Denny Guthrie’s playing now, and with Oliver Morewood backing him up, it’ll be Russell Slide resigning soon. Up the Royals.

URZZZZZ