It was a good year; certainly not the best.
In 2019, I finally took an extended break from all social media platforms. I had always wondered how life would be like if I didn’t log into some social network every single day and scrolled for hours on end through strangers’ posts. At some point in life, I felt like a loser after endless visuals of other people’s fantastic lives. A part of me felt lost, like I didn’t really know what I doing or where I was heading. I was stuck in a loop of depressing thoughts. And so I quit. I logged out of my social media accounts and didn’t return for days, and weeks, and then months. In the meantime, I had to find myself a new hobby, or so I thought. But I ended up adopting a completely new lifestyle. Not one I hadn’t imagined before, but one I wasn’t really sure was for me.
So where have I been?
For the first 3 months, I was prepping myself for a routine. I got strong. The next 6 months were a constant grind to accomplish one goal. I had plenty of time to rest, go online, read the news and look into alternative lifestyles and things to do. Then came the ultimatum – the year was coming to an end, I’d got a huge part of myself together, but I still wasn’t getting much done (not like the others anyway. Everybody seemed to have their stuff together. I was just dragging along the sidelane.)
I fell sick a couple of times. Managed to get through it all. Learned a few hard lessons too.
These past 3 months have been hectic. I’ve barely had 8 hours of sleep on any given day – and that too, not on a single stretch. My sleep pattern has completely changed. I’ve been sleeping in shifts of 2-3 hours in between work. Work is a hard term. It’s more of lifestyle. Something that I do because it’s what I’m good at, and it helps me sleep and feel a sense of accomplishment. Nonetheless, it’s hectic, time-consuming, and tiring. I wake up at 3:00 a.m. every morning and go to bed at around midnight. I do take naps in the middle of the day so that keeps me going.
I’m doing volunteer work now. It’s free service for the Lord. I don’t get paid. I don’t have a source of income. I do get free meals though – twice a day, but I usually take one.
What made me choose this lifestyle? It’s actually pretty easy to explain and makes sense, to me, at least. Not to the others though. People just don’t get it, regardless of the logic, analysis, reasoning and a sense of keen focus and purpose behind the decision.
I stopped focusing on other people. Instead of chasing after others and trying to make friends and get involved in social circles, I’ve dropped out. I find solace in my solitude and company with the walls around me. I have no expectations from anyone. It’s much better this way. There is no scope for rejection, disappointment, frustration, sadness or anger.
And finally, in many years, I have managed to somewhat stop thinking about other people and getting involved in their lives. To a great extent, I have managed to stop caring about them and do not feel anything about them. I am neither friend nor foe. I am nobody to them, and they, nothing to me.
This part of the journey commences with me walking alone. It feels like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. A few years ago, I would never have imagined myself being this detached. But time and the world has toughened my spirit.
I updated my websites now. It’s time to give my online presence a new life – sensible and focused.