Crappy Privacy Alternatives: Signal Messenger

Well well well!

It’s been almost an year since my last series on crappy privacy alternatives. And I somehow got carried away with more interesting topics, but here we are again!

I installed Signal when I first started using a smartphone. But I never used the app much because I never really had anyone to talk to.

The last time I used Signal was maybe in May/June last year? Then I just dropped it completely because again, I had nobody interesting to talk to.

But I’ve always been suspicious of Signal. So, even when it was advertised as a secure encrypted private messenger, I never really trusted it enough to use it freely.
I’ve shared more information on some of my public blogs than I have on Signal.
And that, is a hint of what I’ve always thought of Signal.

Now here’s my problems with Signal:

1. Signal requires mobile phone verification to create an account.

In the world of privacy, that’s a huge fucking red flag. And I don’t care what anyone says about it. RED FLAG! That’s it.

I’ve got a dozen alternatives that don’t need a phone number. How about that?

2. Signal UI is ugly.

I’ve tried most of the privacy apps out there. Signal is the ugliest app I’ve ever used.

3. Lack of features.

I remember creating groups on Signal. I could add new members but I couldn’t remove anyone from the group. I could leave a group but couldn’t rejoin it unless someone from that group invited me back.
This is the reason I stopped using Signal.

4. Forced updates.

This version of Signal has expired. Update now to send and receive messages.

Have you seen any other app that becomes completely useless when it “expires”?
What’s with these updates? What’s so fucking important in these updates that renders the old versions completely useless?

5. Overrated.

Signal is overrated. Okay? What was once a private secure app that intelligent people were supposed to use, quickly became a meme with all the shills advocating it left and right.

I’m going to tell you a secret about technology, okay? The more people that use it, the higher likely a target it becomes for the hackers and spies and government surveillance crooks.

You’re better off using an insecure means of communication that nobody would think of, than using a popular means of communication that everyone’s hopped on.
For example, BBS. How many surveillance crooks would think of going after bulletin board systems in 2021?
Well there you go now. I just fucked it up for everybody who’d ever use a BBS for private communications. Ya see how this works?

6. No desktop features.

Signal has been around for a few years now, but the company – what’s it’s name? Open Whisper Systems – yeah, Open Whisper Systems and their overrated CEO Moxie Marlinspike never had any time to make the desktop app work like a regular desktop app from any other messenger.

The last time I installed the desktop app, I couldn’t use it without scanning a fucking barcode from my phone. Now what the fuck is this bullshit?

You just can’t sign into the desktop app like a normal messenger. No. Moxie Marlinspike and his team of retards want you to scan a fucking barcode as if you’re at the fucking grocery store.

You’re goddamn right I went there! Who came up with this brilliant idea of scanning barcodes? You fucking morons!

And then, the desktop app only works if you have a goddamn phone, where, of course, you have to register using your mobile number.

But what if your phone camera breaks or cracks? And you can’t scan the fucking barcode?
That happened to me. Now I had a fucking broken phone with a shitty app, and a fucking computer with a useless fucking app.
Moxie Marlinspike didn’t think of that one, did he?

So instead of working on the desktop app and making it more user-friendly, Moxie and his team of retards spent all their time planning on going full capitalist corporate crooks.

7. Signal was never decentralized or federated.

Remember when people were talking about decentralization and federation? Moxie the pinocchio led everyone to believe that this would happen at some point when Signal had matured in development.
Anyone remember LibreSignal?

It’s been 6 years and not a whiff about decentralization and federation.

You know why?

Because Moxie and his team of crooks were busy forming a scheme to make some big bucks! And everyone knows, you can only make big bucks when you have a monopoly in the market.
That’s why Moxie didn’t give a shit about the people’s demand for decentralized servers and federation.

Look at Matrix. Matrix was rolled out way after Signal gained popularity. You have to remember that Signal has it’s from RedPhone and TextSecure. I distinctly remember installing both of those apps when I got my smartphone. But they weren’t updated and were later killed off as Signal became popular.
Yet Matrix already had decentralized server by the time I started using it.

So the problem wasn’t that Signal couldn’t be decentralized. It was that Moxie wanted to maintain a monopoly on it until he could cash out and make big bucks for all his hard work.

And that brings me to the recent news about Signal implementing cryptocurrency for beta-testers in the UK.
Big Bucks Moxie, as I shall call him from now henceforth, decided to spend 2020 implementing a currency called MobileCoin into Signal. Yeah, that’s going to be a seller.
People don’t think about privacy and security when they think of a messenger, oh no no – they think of a cryptocurrency called MobileCoin. Priorities folks!

Big Bucks Moxie’s partner in capitalism is a man named Joshua Goldbard. I don’t know anything about this guy, and I’m not going to bother wasting any time looking him up.

The bottom line is this – nobody wants some fucking crypto coin in their messenger, okay?
If you look at the previous series of crappy privacy alternatives, I’ve already mentioned it. Blockchain’s tried it and failed. No respectable man has given blockchain based bullshit apps any time of his day.

This reminds me of Keybase in many ways. Keybase had a solid foundation in the identify keys authentication nonsense, which sold out to every nerd on the block. Then they fucked it up with the cryptocurrency bullshit. What was their coin called? Never mind. Nobody cares.
See? This is how irrelevant cryptocurrency is in the real world. Nobody cares!
Th only people investing money into this bullshit are the scumbags who invented these coins, the miners who’ve got plenty of resources laying around, and the retards who’re gonna lose everything to make the other two richer.

It’s all gambling, okay? Cryptocurrency is gambling.
The only real monetary value is in physical assets. Don’t rely on some virtual shitcoin whose prices rise and fall like a cardiogram on steroids.

Now where was I again? Keybase. Keybase did the cryptocurrency thing where they gave everyone a bunch of free coins then sold out to Zoom.
Now here’s what I suspect – when a reputable company invests in crypto, it’s going down the hill. That’s the best time to jump off the fanboys wagon before it crashes into the valley of corporate crooks.

How’s Keybase doing nowadays? Does anybody know?
Looks like the website has been redesigned. Last blog update was from their acquisition by Zoom, 336 days ago.
This is what happens when open source free software is handed over to a capitalist corporation.

Big Bucks Moxie, are you taking notes? Yeh, I got you all figured out.
One year from now, Signal will probably be acquired by Facebook, won’t it? Won’t it Moxie? Come on now. You gotta have a game plan here. What’s plan B when the cyptocurrency bullshit lands on it’s arse and the poop splatters everywhere? Selling out, acquisition… no? Are you going to let your company die just like that? You gotta make some money now! Come on now! I know you want some money! Don’t you? Don’t you? Someone’s been very naughty at work. Santa’s going to be upset.

On the other hand, Signal could’ve gone with a business model like Threema. I’m sure a lot of people would’ve paid for it, considering how popular Threema is in the privacy world.
Is that Big Bucks Moxie’s plan C? It’s not guaranteed to work like plan B. Selling out would be much more profitable than adopting a premium model. Decisions decisions!

There’s already a petition on Change.org from the loyal fanboys.
Hilarious!

7. Pins

Here’s something that I just remembered – the pins. I had to enter a verification pin a bunch of times to continue using the app. Which genius came up with that idea at OpenWhisper Systems?

Oh wait! They’ve changed the company name a shitload of times too. I’m just going to call it Big Bucks Signal!

There’s a bunch of fanboys calling Big Bucks Moxie’s MobileCoin groundbreaking and innovative.
These are probably the same people who still use Keybase.

I’m pretty sure there’s some blockchain apps with chat and crypto transactions implemented. Though I’m not going back to look into them to confirm that.

I noticed that there’s a bunch of essays on the MobileCoin websites in terms of rules and regulations and agreements and all that nonsense. Who the fuck has time to read through all that nonsense?

The biggest realization I’ve had, is that anyone can come up with a currency of their own, provided they have some resources to get it off the ground. There’s hundreds of cryptocurrency coins out there, and they’re all useless. What makes you think I’d want to invest in your currency anyway? Why can’t I just invent my own currency and run on that?
This is the future of cryptocurrencies.
At some point, everyone will have their own coins, and they’ll all have as much value as diz nuts. John will have JohnCoins, Jane will have JaneCoins, and all the Johns in the world will band together to form an organization to make JohnCoins the most popular currency in the world. Sounds like fiction?
Well, so are all the coins today.
Fuck your cryptocurrency.
I’ll hold onto my paper.

I can’t wait for someone to pull the plug on all these cryptocurrency servers and watch all the nerds pull their hairs out.

Everyone wants to be like Elon Musk with his Paypal startup, Well your cryptocurrency ain’t it.