Hey Everyone!! Great news!!!
Yes, Kingston University has a spanking new Staff Recognition Scheme to pretend that the efforts staff make are valued by the University. Without being overly ever so prescriptive, the scheme aims to encourage line managers to put staff under surveillance and recognise positive [to be defined] staff contributions and punish as many others as possible.
There are three categories of retribution, which build as follows:
• Insignificant recognition: to basically encourage and appreciate basic contributions from staff on a day-to-day basis.
Recognition may be through a manager’s shrug or the cold shoulder in team meetings. May include demotion.
• Pretend recognition: to encourage and appreciate contributions from staff including a tangible element such as supporting the VC’s mad ideas.
For example P45s, or marching orders may be awarded to staff for exceptional work if we don’t like you.
• Ron’s recognition: You produce papers, you don’t get the sack you bastard!
• Eales-Hyphen recognition: The LJER Hyphenation Medal for each third rate paper at a third rate conference.
• External publicity: to crow about KU and the great job the VC is doing. Acknowledgement in the Vice-Chancellor’s Annual Reward Seremony Event – this new presposterous bash is planned for the autumn. Details will be put off for as long as possible.
The Recognition Scheme provides yet another framework of bullshit that we hope will stop the staff giving us a bad rap in the staff survey. If you have any questions please contact peanuts@kingston.ac.uk
Thank you! Now piss off!
Keith Daydreamer
Reward & HR Bullshit Systems