WANTED – another headbanger dean

Pratt of a VC/Dean Faculty of Science, Engineering and Computing

Kingston University

Location: Grim Kingston
Salary: Plenty – you’ll be a boss after all
Hours: Full Time
Contract Type: Permanent if you like rats

Formed in 2011 the Faculty of Science, Engineering and Computing (SEC) has been going downhill ever since. It is a broad faculty with a number of schools that barely qualify as a science but it seemed a good idea at the time. As one of the largest providers in the South East  with a turnover of circa 60m squids, it aims to deliver fantasy world impact through the production of leading-edge interdisciplinary lavatory paper, ground facing graduates and a ludicrous approach to encouraging diversity within the Sciences.  With more than 6000 students and shrinking, the Faculty still manages to offer undergraduate, postgraduate taught and postgraduate research awards and an expanding portfolio of empty waffle.  The Faculty works with whoever it can persuade both in the UK and internationally to deliver innovative programes that are so much bullshit.  Operating out of state-of-the-fart decaying facilities it places a continued emphasis on HR management-speak; utilising arsewords like “partnership-driven”, “innovative solutions”, “challenges of the 21st century” and more crap you wouldn’t believe.

The Role:

  • A key member of the incompetent leadership team of the University. Responsible to the Vice-Chancellor (King Ratty), for all aspects of the Faculty’s performance including bad leadership, stupid ideas, bullying, financial mismanagement and generally pratting about.
  • To lead the academic decline and replace academic activity with business in the Faculty; building on its failures to date and ensuring a up-down-sideways-looking and disturbing vision for students and staff alike
  • To strengthen key external partnerships across a range of stakeholding stakeholders to ensure the Faculty’s ensurance continuing development continually, regionally, intranationally, disnationally and internationally
  • As the Dean/PVC, to undertake a fat-bellied corporate leadership role, including ownership of a throat-cutting portfolio and significant involvement in the development and delivery and organisation and deliverement of strategy, policy, policy, strategy and as much bullshit as you can think of at the highest levels.

The Candidate:

  • Outstanding record of self-service and pay rises in either academia or industry in an area irrelevant to the focus of the Faculty; some knowledge of the Higher Education sector, teaching, that sort of thing is highly desirable but not essential, don’t worry as long as you can bluster
  • A proven ability to bully and distress large numbers of people and fritter away budgets combined with first rate lying skills and the ability to build strong relationships with the people who pay your salary, oh and across multiple stakeholders both blah blah blah
  • Politically and commercially hirstute with a track record of throwing your considerable weight around, driving through brick walls, and delivering change that upsets your staff; visionary as a bat and sly with a commitment to bigging up the VC and empathy with the mission to screw Kingston University. Must swallow the bullshit in this ad.
  • Preference will be given to applications from mad Dutchmen.

For further information, including details of how to apply, please visit www.todgers.com/48604

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