Kingston is to undergo a branding exercise with some attendant changes to the business model and workforce.
Following the underperformance of many departments offering dated courses unsuited to our dynamic economy, all are to be closed. A new Warehouse Faculty will be instituted.
New courses on offer will be
Sports Science with Fine Arts
Sports Science and Nutrition
Sports Science and Performance Pharmacy
Sports Science with Business
Sports Science with Team GB
Sports Science for Nursing
Sports Science with Pop Music for Headphones in Gyms
These courses will be offered on the KU Sports Direct website. Students will be able to take advantage of offers such as buy one course, get another half price.
All academic staff will be reclassified as unskilled labour and placed on flexible (zero hour) contracts at a rate commensurate with experience (but below minimum wage).
All will be given a safety jacket in KU blue (cost deducted from wages) and will queue to clock-in on arrival and departure.
Three warnings for employee infringements such as talking, eating and drinking, going to the toilet will lead to summary dismissal.
We are sure staff will welcome these exciting new developments and the management look forward to supporting you in your new careers.
Toby Diked (consultant)