KU Sports University

Kingston is to undergo a branding exercise with some attendant changes to the business model and workforce.

Following the underperformance of many departments offering dated courses unsuited to our dynamic economy, all are to be closed. A new Warehouse Faculty will be instituted.

New courses on offer will be

Sports Science
Sports Science with Fine Arts
Sports Science and Nutrition
Sports Science and Performance Pharmacy
Sports Science with Business
Sports Science with Team GB
Sports Science for Nursing
Sports Science with Pop Music for Headphones in Gyms

These courses will be offered on the KU Sports Direct website. Students will be able to take advantage of offers such as buy one course, get another half price.

All academic staff will be reclassified as unskilled labour and placed on flexible (zero hour) contracts at a rate commensurate with experience (but below minimum wage).

All will be given a safety jacket in KU blue (cost deducted from wages) and will queue to clock-in on arrival and departure.

Three warnings for employee infringements such as talking, eating and drinking, going to the toilet will lead to summary dismissal.

We are sure staff will welcome these exciting new developments and the management look forward to supporting you in your new careers.

Toby Diked (consultant)

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2 Responses to KU Sports University

  1. Anon says:

    Rumour has it that Emperor Julius is set to hold gladiatorial contests between staff at Tolworth Court, during the forthcoming rounds of staff redundancies and dismissals. Staff will retain posts via ‘survival of the fittest’ during such contests. The School of Nursing will be on hand to provide undegraduates with vocational training. All other campuses are to be closed and remodelled using suitable combustion techniques, developed by the defunct Schools of engineering. Julius will receive instruction in playing the violin from the School of Music, whilst this takes place.

  2. A Higginbottom says:

    Should appoint Mike Ashley as next VC.

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