BabyFischerLeapEinsteinFirst Product Representative Demonstrates “Conversation”

It’s the neatest. Little ones love love love it! Don’t worry, no no, don’t worry about writing any of it down. They will definitely learn the alphabet eventually: there is no doubt about it! No no no no! N-O! Haha! You sweeties! No worrying!

Little ones need control, don’t they, moms and dads? They have to have their little control. But it’s ok! We can handle it! By physically removing ourselves from them–easy! And then we can be with adults, right? Who also need control, ha ha ha! But it’s BIG control, isn’t it. BIG.       little!    little.        BIG.

Ok little darlings, here’s the idea. Let’s write it down, so we can practice our letters:


Very very good! Again? What do you think? Should we say it again? No? Ok, then. Are you sure? I really like it. I’ll just write it again, but we won’t say it this time:


Thank you; that was fun for me. So is talking like this! I love to talk like this, because it makes me feel so close to everybody. Look, I can hug you with my voice while my hands are free, as I will now demonstrate. Watch, my little listening snuffle pumpkins, and feel my voice-hug, as I wash dishes, clothes, laundry, a dog, this car, this carseat, these carseat attachments, eight peanut butter jars, and all these superfluous transition animations out of Jim-my-marketing-firm-partner’s PowerPoint presentations.

Huh, I can’t hug you with my voice while cleaning up Jim’s slides! Isn’t that funny? That’s ok though! Isn’t it, you silly little geese? Who’s a golden little cornmuffin? And who’s a silly goose? I can’t even tell! Whee! Forget Jim. I’ll just leave the Jim part out next time.

Uh oh! My precious little son/daughter/hostage, who/that* I brought along with me has something to say. What is it, my miniscule mote of joy? You . . . you don’t want me to forget Jim? Really? Why . . . hold on, is that why you are now pouring your juice on my laptop? And getting ready to scream? Forgive me, sweetie, but that’s confusing to me. And don’t make Jim all sticky-wicky! I mean, that’s a laptop, not a Jim, dam-

Excuse me, I really don’t know why he/she/it always does this.

Ok! Listen, please honey drop! Stop sugar biscuit! I’ll admit it! FINE! Although Jim’s visual aid preferences run a gamut larger than my tastes allow, his approach targeting under-served markets impresses me with its sheer innovative power while delectably leading me to reconsider the conclusion that my career decisions were completely self-serving and devoid of positive ethical impact! Because he’s right, even in an economic and social climate that incentivizes the consumer to turn his or her back on disposable goods, there are still those in the lowest economic standings who need Kleenex but don’t know it yet. The moment we discovered that the R-factor of a standard box is higher than that of than any comparably priced insulation will remain indelibly etched in my memory until the heat-death of the universe, perhaps longer. And the square-foot pricing models speak for themselves!

Oh I am so sorry, my honey-pickles, forgot myself there for a second.

What? Wha-at?! You LIKED that, joy-mote? A lot? You liked that a lot? You like it when I talk grown-up somet . . . when I occasionally demonstrate adult speech? Well, that just makes perfect sense, doesn’t IT!?!?!?!

Ok! Thanks for coming. Show’s over. Joy-mote, half the time we’ll talk like you, half the time we’ll talk like me, from now on. I’m really sorry I didn’t understand how alarming it must have been for you to watch me speak so differently with adults than I speak with you SOONER. MUCH MUCH SOONER.


If you don’t have children in your life, this is still fun: when you meet one, pretend they are a Liberal Arts Studies professor from Rutgers, or MIT, and just drop the biggest, craziest-complicatediest idea you can on them. I call it “college-bombing” them, and I keep an arsenal on hand, for others people’s children especially, when they are misbehaving especially especially. They will adore you for this to the point of bezerking, and benefit from it for their entire lives. Appropriate for all ages.

And while you are at it, adults enjoy it too.