Bob Dylan and his publicist answer fan mail

Why don’t you just read me all the letters in order and stop messing around.

Sure, I’ll do that. I have these trash bags of them–I’ll just read each one, ha.

Yeah, go ahead.

Ok, Letter 1: ‘Dear Bob, I can see the stars from where I am, and they are what I think of you. Can you see the moon from where you are? I can too, but I’m over it. For you. PS: I am nine years old.’

Write back: ‘Love you too, kid, and great job yesterday.’

Do you know what he or she did yesterday?

Sure, something great. Next letter.

Ok. Letter 2: ‘OMG Bob I can’t believe I’m talking to you OMG you are the greatest!!!’ And then it goes on like that.

Huh.

What do you want to say?

Umm.

Whenever you’re ready.

Can I answer that one later?

Yeah, we can do that.

Just make a pile over there or something. I’ll answer that one later.

Ok. Letter 3: ‘bob. i. am. such. a. huge. fan. of. yours.’ It goes on like that.

Great, put that one of the pile. I’m glad we have a pile for those.

Letter 4: ‘How many roads can a man walk down, before they call him a man, how many seas must a white duck sail, before she sleeps in the sand, eh?’

Write back ‘No, A+.’

Ok. Letter 5.

This is great. I didn’t know you were capable of this.

Letter 5: ‘Dear Bob, if you could be any animal in the world, what animal would you be?’

He’s asking this again?

Yeah, it seems really important to him.

Ok. Let me think.

Are you going to answer him now? I could put it on the pile.

No, I thought about this last week and changed my answer. Can’t remember what to though. Say this: ‘Not sure, but the answer is different from the last time. I’ll try to write you if I remember it.’

Ok. (writing) Letter 6: ‘Dear Bob, is God dead?’

No.

What?

That’s the answer; just say ‘No.’

That’s it? I think you should add something.

It’s not your mail. That’s the answer, ‘no.’

I really think you should add another sentence.

Yeah, seems like you do, but noone’s asking you if I should add another sentence.

I really think this is an opportunity to say something more.

No. Write ‘No.’ and send it.

I’m just going to wait until you add a little more to that.

You want me to make a Nietszche* joke and it’s not going to happen. Next letter.

I don’t think I’ll read the next letter until you add something more to this response.

Are you kidding me? Read the next letter.

No. Not until you expand on your answer.

That’s not happening. Make all the Nietszche jokes you want in your own mail. Next letter.

Ok, Letter 7. ‘Dear Bob, Writing to inform you that I won’t be reading any more of your mail until you add something more to your last dictated response.’

Write back ‘Ain’t happening.’ Next letter.

Letter 8, ‘Dear Bob, Ok then.’

Write back ‘Great. Please read the rest of the mail.’

Letter 9, ‘Dear Bob, Great show last night.’

‘Thank you.’

 

————

I did it again; I left the ‘s’ out. I always leave the ‘s’ out. Maybe because I don’t think he’s that Niet. I went ahead and fixed it. Can’t be blamed if the man couldn’t even spell his own name. You should see my try to spell Heidigger.

One thought on “Bob Dylan and his publicist answer fan mail

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