It Turns Green

aka How to Easily Always Give Perfect Advice and Achieve Inner Peace

I wonder if I could get through life without knowing anything about the world.

Suppose I only knew that there were people. Hi, people!



I don’t know how things work; I don’t know good from bad; I don’t know right from wrong; I don’t know progress from backsliding; I just know that there are people. I bet those people themselves would give me everything I need to know to give them 100% perfect advice at all times.

I could be a completely ignorant perfect advice giving machine.

So someone drives by and says, “Well. I — took — it away. From them.”

Ok. Don’t panic, perfect advice giving machine. You’re ready for a situation like this. Just sit back and look at the messenger’s face, and you will see an amazing baklava of self-analysis; already complete; the top few layers of which are likely to fall away and maybe be left on the plate; the bottom of which is difficult to cut, and not really what baklava is all about, in that it’s not what anyone would call puff pastry, not what anyone would understand baklava to mean–but those layers in between should contain everything you need to know to say WELL DONE MA’AM and mean it, and I THINK YOU TOOK IT JUST AT THE RIGHT TIME, TOO. A DAY SOONER WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO SOON and NOW LET’S THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WILL DO NEXT.

Because what do you see in there? I’m not telling, because I don’t know.

It’s not important anyway: I don’t need to guess what you know; I only need to guess what you feel about what you know, because I know what you feel is accurate.

Just sometimes hidden, and just sometimes not what you really want. (Then I ask the crust, but you’re not going to like the answer.)

This kind of interacting with your fellow human beings I call the middle level of guru-hood. It’s not the beginning, which is accepting some fundamental truths about the world. And it’s not the end, which is Nirvana. But its the middle state, of selflessness. Being the space between the layers. Where you don’t know, because you don’t really exist, so you can’t. But where it’s alright, because you don’t need to. I should hang out there more.

I feel I was born to bounce; to intercept; I think I was born to reflect. I can see what you do not. Will you see for me? I am so blind. Will you see for me?


Where do we stand, in the vast baklava of the self? At what layer is our perspective? It’s like asking the world where in the world it is.

Worrld? Whera are you? World? I’m looking! World..?

I’m not good at this. I’m not finding anything. World.? This isn’t even fun. Stupid world. It should be easy. Whose idea was this anyway? Who says I have to do this? Why am I looking for this? I don’t need the world–I was fine. Before I started looking. I was fine. Go looking for something nobody can find.

It’s unfindable, that’s what it is. It can’t be done. That’s the lesson, right? I learned it just now. I’m saying that’s the lesson. Stupid game, waste of my time, go look for the world. Other people can do it, but that doesn’t mean it’s — darn it.


Wait, I think, was that it? Was that it right there? Wait a minute. There was like nothing, but then like something, for like a second, I think that was maybe–was that it?

How am I supposed to know, if you can’t tell me if that was it or not? Was that the world?

Well, I’ll just make something up. Oh yeah, I found it. You bet I did. No, I’m not telling you. It’s a secret. But I’m found it for sure. You haven’t found it yet?

I wish I hadn’t said that last part. World?

Maybe that was it, just now, again. That was like the other thing. They were similar, so if the first one was it, then that second one might have been.

How’s anybody supposed to do this.


It’s about meditation, right? That’s what it’s about?

Well, if you’re anything like me, which you have to be, because I too can read, you do not much enjoy being told that the way to find something is to stop looking.

I was Buddha.

I was breathing.

I was under a tree.

I was Buddha, and under a tree. And breathing.

And then.

I was Buddha, and I was under a tree, and I was breathing.

Ok, if that doesn’t move you, then we’re pretty different, because I’m moved. But it could be only because I REALLY like trees and breathing. It was supposed to be mildly annoying, but who can predict these things.

(Somehow centered it’s much more annoying.)

I was Buddha.

I was breathing.

I was under a tree.

I was Buddha, and under a tree. And breathing.

And then.

I was Buddha, and I was under a tree, and I was breathing.

Regardless, is there a more frustrating pursuit than attempting to do nothing, and failing?

guru: Well, really what you have to do is just let it all go, and completely stop trying.

Ok, here goes. Let it go, and now I…I’m screwed.

No, hold on. Let me …. screw that up again.

How about if i… screw that up once more?

And now I’ll just … fail.

Don’t I feel better already! Thank you for your advice, brother.

If I were to say I knew of only one method that works, that I don’t recommend iand I’m not going to tell you, that would be better advice than to tell you not to try.

But don’t try though. Just listen in on the guru:

guru: … so basically, I was thinking about all this not-trying, and one day I realized, ‘Hey, I’m a pompous jerk!’ So therefore I already know anything that I’d be trying to figure out, and … I win.

That’s as close as I can get to describing how iactually is done, achieving this state of mental consciousness that people try to describe.

guru: … and then so I was like yup, I must be there. Because I’m great. I don’t know why my guru didn’t tell me that. I’m not trying any more, that’s for sure. It’s not like he was *wrong*;he just left an important part out.

guru: The reason why Buddha is smiling, when you see him in the sculptures, is because he’s proud of himself. *He* figured it out.

buddha: Yeaaaahhh. Got it. Got it gooood.

guru: I’m not lying. I suppose people might say I can’t just make this up, but to them I say, hey, I’m Enlightened, because I just decided that I am.

people: You can’t just make that up! That takes years of yoga! And practice, and tattoos and things!

guru: Nope. Just made it up. And I’m Enlightened, so I’m right and you’re wrong.

buddha: Done with that now. Just sitting here.

guru: In fact, you might say the fact that enlightened me the most was the one about how I can just make stuff up. About Enlightenment especially.

buddha: Oooooooooooh. Nice.

guru: It’s my head. What are you going to do about it?

people: Well, what kind of discipline is that?

guru: Umm.. the one where you get to be my disciple? That one.

guru: You make up a name for it. I can’t think of anything right now.

people: I don’t think this is right.

guru: Leave then. Go home and try something.


Seriously, seriously, if you read texts on meditation, striving is the enemy of peace.

And feelings of inadequacy are the gnat in your coffee of understanding.

And fear of failure is the precipice that you’re not worried about.


The disciple returns…

disciple 1: I felt like I was about to maybe actually start to worry for a second, and it almost almost-worried me. Man, I don’t know why I keep doing this. But I felt like I was maybe going to think about worrying about something, and I had a little bit of a reaction to that feeling. Man.

guru:  It’s ok. It happens sometimes. To you. Hahahaha.

And then he walks away.

And what should the disciple do with his advice? Forget it all. Forget the whole conversation, just let it go. This is why gurus are so brief: there’s actually no point in them telling anyone anything, because they know you’re supposed to forget it.

disciple 2: Wow, you know, the guru have me some really good advice yesterday, but part of it included forgetting everything, so I have no idea what the rest of it was.

guru: Huh.


disciple 2: guru radiation, do I have to feed them?

guru: No? Do you want to?

disciple 2: Kindof?

guru: Then kindof feed them?

disciple 2: How’s that done exactly?

guru: Just pick one up and put it near the refrigerator, and see what it does. Or don’t.

disciple 2: Wow, that was fun.

guru: You’re darn right it was. Feeling proud of yourself suddenly, aren’t you.

disciple 2: I am!

guru radiation: That’s right. Now you can take a nap if you want.


disciple 2: Oh LOOK! What do they call this? It’s like soft.. and warm.. and large! It’s like really warm.. and REALLY soft, and I fit on it!

disciple 2: Oh my God! Whoever came up with this thing was a genius! I’m still a human being and alive but I’m completely horizontal. Oh wow. Wow wow wow.

disciple 2: Have other people heard of this? I want to share it with the world.

guru radiation: That’s called a bed. I like them too.


child 1: What’s going on with Mom?

child 2: I don’t know, she handed me a TV dinner and she’s outside playing with dandelions.

child 1: I think that means I don’t have to do my homework.*

child 2: Do you want to go play with dandelions with her?

child 1: Heck no. Let’s go burn something.

child 2: Awesome.

child 1: Watch this. (shouts)  Mom? We’re going to see what happens when you light a TV on fire?

disciple 2 (henceforth, Mom): (long pause) Does this concern me?*

[Neat things happen, btw.]

Meanwhile Mom’s out there rolling down the hill…

Mom: It seemed like he thought it was a bad thing to do, but at the same time it seemed like he wanted to do it, but it seemed like he thought it was a bad thing to do, but at the same time, he wanted to do it…

She gets to the bottom.

Mom: Oh well! What next? LOOK, pigeons!

Mom: Pigeons…? What are you talking about, pigeons? What’s on your little pigeon minds?


Mom: It must be neat to fly.

(Explosions, coming from the house.)

Mom: That hasn’t happened before. I wonder if I’m needed. (shouts) Hello, children! Am I needed?

Child 1: Nope!

Mom: Alright!

Mom: Can I get a second nope? From the other child?

Child 2: No..?

Mom: Does that mean no I can’t, or is that the second nope?


Mom: Children, let’s consider making our own clothes. Perhaps from linen.

Mom: Ok, that was fun. Now let’s consider something else.


*Just in case you were curious this blog is pretending to be written in the month of November.**

**Possibly late October.

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