Bacon’s List

scarecrow 1

Other top hits from poor people about how to conserve resources.

1. When things are dirty that you want to be clean, make a solution of 2 parts bleach to 1 part water. Spray that solution on the dirty thing, and leave.

Come back the next day and either hose it off or wipe it down. That is as clean as it it should ever get.

(As a neat side effect, if you do this to your shower, your house will smell like there’s a swimming pool nearby for the next two days, and you can pretend you are staying in a hotel.) (As another neat side effect, you spent no time in a grocery store aisle considering which flavor of solvent to use.) (As a third neat side effect, everyone knows what is in bleach: that’s why they put in our drinking water on purpose.)

2. Whenever you need to buy anything inedible, try making it out of junk mail first. I can guarantee this works better than you think it will. I need a notepad, a dog bowl. I need something to do. I need  dental floss, something to read, and several placemats that match. I need to upholster this chair, clean up this mess, and figure out something to wear that’s really going to make me stand out. Can junk mail fill that need? Thank you, mass mailer: I needed new underwear! Thank you junk mail!

(No need to get fancy. Junk mail works best when you just leave it the shape it came in and throw it out soon after use.)

3. Stop cooking. Go to the grocery store, select X frozen meals, take them home, and when you’re hungry, heat one up and eat it.

(There, I’ve just given you back somewhere between 4 – 8% of your life.) (If you choose to eat locally sourced or extra wholesome fresh food you’ve just prepared, or worse/better, grown yourself, there are a lot of reasons to do so, but do you think it will add 8%–that’s about 5.7 years on average–to your life? That’s just to break even.) (Personally, I would rather you have that time now.)

4. When you are bored and there’s nothing to do: do nothing. Don’t go out. Don’t get a movie. Just do nothing. It’s free, and very good for the planet.


I guess sometimes it does make sense to do tedious, incredibly time-consuming tasks that aren’t your job.

Grand total: at least 28.2% of your life.** Yours for free! Go do something great! Let your subversively impactful imagination run wild! I’m going to the pool.

(You learn these things from being raised by people so desperate for money that they work so much that time to cook is a luxury.)

PS: That motorcycle sculpture is 5 inches tall.

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