Split screen

Split screen: take one Thinker’s head and make it look like two people, one of which you pretend is a Reader or Knower.

In deep fake triumph, crystal ball hackers lead Homeland Security Agency to issue two warrants for the same man’s arrest

Early this morning intelligence analysts discovered the Petkicker virus is more elaborate than they had initially realized.

In addition to making it appear as if people being viewed through a crystal ball were doing things that they were not, hackers appear to have a method for making one person appear to be two.

In a very bizarre case of reverse split personalities, Louis Omeprazole appeared to be two different people, one named Louis Omeprazole and the other Gregoridiarrrr Lunch.

“Both of them appeared to be real pieces of work,” said Darisxa Malconishle, one of the witches assigned to Omeprazole’s case. “Omeprazole is fascinated with tea, absolutely obsessed with it, and would talk about it for most of the day. He would rant and rave, ‘I’m not going to that party if I have to drink Darjeeling!’ Things like that. A nut, seemed very unstable. 

“One day we were watching him and suddenly there were three more goldfish in his tank.”

But if Omeprazole seemed unstable, his upstairs neighbor was much worse.

“It was hard to see into Gregoridiarrrr’s apartment,” said Malconishle.”The place was filled with smoke and death metal music. There were always loud construction sounds and occasional screams.”

After minutes of observation, Omeprazole was charged with goldfish burglary and for forging his own living will.

Gregoridiarrrr was charged with murder, extortion, racketeering and tax evasion.

The surprise came when Omeprazole appealed the charges against Gregoridiarrrr.

Omeprazole arrived in court with a whiteboard and a large crowd of hecklers. One occasionally shook a bottle of Lipton Brisk at him. The sight of the very bad tea caused Omeprazole to quiver and panic, and the court had to wait several minutes before he could resume his appeal.

Omeprazole explained that he was in physical therapy for being in severe neck pain. The therapy often made him scream. His apartment also had terrible plumbing that frequently made a loud banging noise.

“Further,” Omeprazole went on, “This Gregoridiarrrr character does not exist.”

He explained the elaborate hoax with the aid of the whiteboard. When he was talking about tea, Omeprazole appeared as Omeprazole in the crystal ball, while an actor dressed as Gregoridiarrrr carried on in a different apartment that looked exactly the same.

“It wasn’t even in my building,” said Omeprazole. “He could be anywhere.” 

Malconishle said the crystal ball showed the actor dressed as Gregoridiarrrr slaughtering goats and laughing maniacally.

Then, whenever Omeprazole stopped talking about tea for a few minutes, the hackers switched the signal, added the smoke and death metal filters, and Omeprazole became Gregoridiarrrr. 

Meanwhile, another actor in yet another identical apartment stepped up to play Omeprazole, displaying his characteristic tea obsession. 

“There aren’t too many dudes who will sit there chugging Rooibos and belching like that,” said Malconishle. “Plus it was the same channel. I was sure it was him.

“It was pretty flawless,” said Malconishle. “You could tell they practiced those transitions quite a bit. But it was repetitive and predictable, that much we noticed.”

In fact Omeprazole’s tea obsession seems to be an important factor in the hoax. The hacker team not only encouraged his habit but used the topic to cue the signal switch.

“When he was talking about tea, he was shown as Omeprazole,” said Malconishle. “When he stopped, he was shown as Gregoridiarrrr.”

“We knew he was himself, obviously,” said police. “We just also thought he was this other guy.”

But there is only one Omeprazole.

Authorities are investigating whether the hackers are the ones who initially introduced Omeprazole to tea.

The witches said they’re glad this is getting straightened out. Many of them watched both channels without suspecting they might be the same person. Video surveillance tapes revealed they were.

“When the police came with the second warrant, I was like, ‘Oh nooooo.'” said Omeprazole. “Have you ever had to explain to the police that they’re having so much difficulty arresting you because you’re already arrested– while arrested?”

“You dip!” shouted one of the hecklers. “Why not let the actors stand trial for Gregoridiarrrr, if they are real?”

“Yeah, about that,” Omeprazole replied. “No one seemed interested in arresting the actors. They came after me, and arrested me a second time.”

Meanwhile authorities did arrest four suspects and charged them with working around the clock to impersonate a single very uninteresting man.

At least twelve similar “split screen” or “picture-in-picture” cases have been identified, and many more are likely.

Authorities are somewhat baffled. “We’re used to arresting someone multiple times, but not simultaneously,” said one police officer.

Omeprazole is still in jail for the charges brought against him. And the tea there is not good.

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