I have been thinking of blogging about Asperger’s and me for a while now. I’m driven by a desire to make sense of my life in the light of this new information. At the moment my mind is endlessly running and re-running past episodes, spooling and re-spooling. Of course, my mind has a tendency to run off like this anyway. But now I find that I am re-interpreting past events from the point of view of the main player (me! ) being someone with undiagnosed Asperger’s. I quite often come out of these re-runs in a poor light. I am hard on myself, I know, when I ‘should’ be kind and congratulate myself on how well I have managed my life, how well I have coped. One of the things that is hard to adjust to is that I have fucked up and got it wrong so many times. All those times when I had doubts about something, some event or interaction; all the times I reassured myself that it was ok, that people didn’t think I was odd, that I dealt with that event well, that I was just being down on myself, that everyone had these self doubts from time-to-time … The reality is that I was probably right to have those doubts, that I maybe didn’t deal with the event so well and that those odd looks I thought I picked up on were probably there in actuality. This isn’t a good place to be, this pit of negativity.
Well, this is NOT a positive first post. Note to self: must try harder (so, nothing new there then – the old compulsion towards perfection).
Tomorrow is another day.