Owen Jones, the voice of the downtrodden masses, has been able to reveal today that the polar bear which attacked and killed Etonian Horatio Chapple is infact a Class War member!

Here is an extract from Jones’ Guardian article:

“The polar bear which attacked and killed Horatio Chapple I can reveal, through investigation, is indeed a member of Class War and disciple of veteran anarchist ruffian Ian Bone. The polar bear known simply as ‘Hackney Chris’ is a former Hackney squatter with convictions for accosting yuppies and was recently arrested for ruffing up hipsters in Dalston and Shoreditch. He was also investigated by Metropolitan Police Special Branch for allegedly spearheading the Poll Tax riots in 1990 and the Battle of Waterloo in 1992. It was this reputation as a street-thug which earned him the nickname “White Riot” on Special Branch intelligence files.

‘Hackney Chris’ joined Class War in 1983 with Sean Mason and went missing sometime around 2012 only to resurface in the icy plains of Svalbard, Norway when he attacked and killed Mr. Chapple. This confirms the long held suspicion that Class War is full of dangerous street-thugs. Norwegian Police and the Metropolitan Police administered National Domestic Extremism Unit are liaising to bring this animal to justice. I will be writing and releasing a book on the life and crimes of ‘Hackey Chris’ which will be priced at a very affordable 60 pounds and 33 pence”. (Owen Jones 14/07/2014, Guardian)

(Disclaimer: Just to avoid confusion I would like to point out that this article is not taking the piss out of the death of Horatio Chapple but taking the piss out of Owen Jones, his mindset and his actual Guardian article dated 14/07/2014)