ALL OF US can think back to those confusing, exciting, and emotional teenage years and think “wow, I really do wish we had more exams! I loved the stress and the competitiveness of them, they really made those years!” Well, don’t worry, the coalition government are here to save the day again with the introduction of the ‘EBac’. Not only will everything count on this one exam, after two years of study (I really hope you’re not ill that day kids, or hung over!), but you will also have the fantastic opportunity to be forced to stay in school another two years to finish them. That means more time with the parents, annoying siblings and no cash! So, no more coursework (I wonder what will happen to the more fun subjects of arts and tech?), or multiple attempts to bring your grades up, but also only those smart-arse kids with rich parents and smaller families are much more likely to do better (more space and time at home to focus on work and practice), and those who are poor are going to be lucky to reach 18 with any skills or qualifications. We all know how useful science, maths and English is to our lives, unlike carpentry, mechanics, plumbing, building, childcare and growing your own food. You can really get a good job to support yourself with knowing what Macbeth was about or what is 5x + 3y = 10x + 15y. But no worries, with the rise in apprenticeships at places like Costa Coffee and slave labour…. whoops I mean ‘the Work Programme’…. at Tesco stacking shelves, you will be well sorted. It is not like you could afford university fees at £9,000 a year anyway. You know what might be better idea? Skip school, go learn something useful off your own back and start trading your skills with your mates. It will be more fun, interesting, and gives you some cash. ‘Education’ is for losers anyway.
