HERE AT THE Mutineer, we take pride in the westcountry’s long history of smuggling, brigandry and piracy, so, we thought we’d take the time to salute Dartmouth resident Alison Whelan for upholding these fine traditions. After a weekend long bender, including copious amount of lambrini and hallucinogenic deadly nightshade, Alison decided to relight the dormant tradition of southwesterly piracy. Commandeering a 45ft. vessel, Captain Whelan steered out of the harbour, smashing into dozens of boats, including a £70,000 luxury yacht, all the while screaming “I’m Jack Sparrow!” Police on the scene described the harbour as “like a giant pinball machine” as she attempted to make it to the high seas. As authorities approached, Whelan was heard taunting police by saying “what are you going to do now?” and “I believe this is out of your jurisdiction”. She was wrong. Later, when interviewed, Whelan’s first words to police were “I would have made it to St. Tropez if you hadn’t stopped me!” This unrepentant pirate is now doing a short stretch behind bars, and, while her water-borne protest can in no way be counted as progressive, we would still like to take off our tri-corn hats in salute to a woman who has reminded us that the west’s tradition of drunken, criminal piracy is not quite dead.
