After several attempts to leave Aberdeen and Stonehaven (after getting lost several times) spirits were still high  aboard the good car “susan” as several members of Aberdeen Anarchists,  Aberdeen Against Austerity, Aberdeen City Arts Board (ACAB) and Occupy Aberdeen went on their merry little way down south; To Faslane Peace Camp; to take part in the 30th Anniversary celebrations  of their very, very essential existence.

Faslane 30 call out

The camp had called for 30 days of direct action in protest of the continued presence of Trident and the continued threat of Scotland being a MASSIVE TARGET because of that, all of course thanks to the continued imperialistic nature of the good ‘ole U.S. ov A and the idiots in charge over here.

We arrived on a balmy July evening and were made very welcome by the campers and the midge. They even sorted out a caravan and made space for us around the camp fire, but an early start awaited so it was off to bed, with coca and a ghost story  to ready ourselves for the first action. The Academic bloc.

The speakers holding the seminar came from various backgrounds in academia, such as geographers talking about why we are all targets and physicists who used to work for the M.O.D converting plutonium for warheads. Some of the academics were veterans of peace movement, having attended a similar event during Faslane 365.

The talks were very interesting and reminded us all that there is still a real threat of nuclear destruction. Who knew that you could wipe out half a billion with one missile?

Pip Pip (center) & the ‘real’ Clown Army

The M.O.D had there own cops out, and one wee chap we dubbed “Pip Pip” seemed to be running the show. What a friendly chap he was, asking folks names and interacting with the happy people gathered. And what do you do if a cop asks for your name, kids? Tell him nothing! That’s right, ZILCH!!

He also had his friendly FIT sergeant out, recording us for posterity, which was nice. When challenged about taking photos of the kids who were there protesting with mum and dad he “assured” us that they deleted the pictures of the kids – and as you don’t get more honest than a copper we believed him, honest! We also asked how long the pictures of us were kept for, he said he didn’t know, which is a worry is for all of us if a senior policeman does not know the law he is enforcing. It must be sheer ignorance on his part, maybe he was off sick that day at cop school because as we know cops cannot lie to the public; if they do I hear their heads explode.

Fascist Intrusion Tactic (or FIT Team)

After the seminar we de-camped back to the camp for some food and coffee to await the invasion of the clowns….

Words by The Dirty Hoof….

“SO SEND IN THE CLOWNS, SOMEONE SEND IN THE CLOWNS.”

Sang The King Blues on their track “The streets are ours.” And the protesters at Faslane peace camp happily obliged.

It’s day 2 of Aberdeen Anarchists’ jaunt to Faslane peace camp and the Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army are in town for a day of high jinks and tomfoolery at the nuclear navy base. Unfortunately the Murpstar and The Dirty Hoof  could not be here for day 2, as they were south of the border in Englandshire  so that left yours truly, and RI-Occupy to fight the powers soon not to be.

"What we do every night, try and take over the world!"

The day began with a super secret meeting to go over the plan of attack and concluded with everyone doing the rubber chicken. (Don’t ask – Seriously, don’t ask!) We headed back to camp for final preparations and a cup of tea, (it’s not a revolution without tea!) and then snuck through the countryside all ninja like to avoid the cops and to give us the element of surprise. The first target was the south gate of the base and we could almost hear the collective groan of the cops as they saw the clowns rounding the bend.

The clowns marched to about 30ft from the gate then charged, pressed themselves against the gate and started to bang on the gate shouting “Let us in, we want to party. We promise to be good.” But alas, the party poopers that are the cops wouldn’t let us in. Boooooooo. Plan A had failed, now for plan B, the attack of the zombie clowns! The zombie clowns rallied about 20ft from the gate and began charging as best they could, which, with them being zombies, is slowly. 10 minutes later they reach the gate and start banging, demanding brains, but they were out of luck as the cops don’t have any! Another genius plan failed by those tricksy cops of the empire. Strong with the force they must be.

Time for plan C – shower the cops with hugs. Alas, the clowns suffer another defeat as the cops have hearts of stone and don’t have room in their lives for love. Plan D – fishing!?! Fail. Plan E – socking!?! Fail. Plan F – move one of the road blocks to do something with it!?! Fail. I have no idea what they planned to do with it if they had managed to move it, but I’m almost positive that it might have worked. Plan E – try to sneak in through the pedestrian gate. Fail. (I think this plan failed due to the poor camouflage effects of pink and blue fluffy wigs!) Plan F – play catch with a squidgy, rubbery ball with lots of tentacles and a pair of eyes! Fail. Plan G – throw said squidgy ball thing over the gate. (At this point I began thinking this ball thing was actually a bomb in disguise because you know what dangerous anarchist types are like.) Fail.

Plan H – try asking for their ball back. Fail. Plan I – plead with the cops to let their guard dog play with the ball. Fail. I might report the cops to the SSPCA for animal cruelty, because the doggie so desperately wanted to play with the ball. It was straining at the leash, eyes bulging at the prospect of playing with the “BALL. BALL. BALL. BALL. BALL……” but the cops just left it lying there teasing the dog! Plan J – pole vault over the gate with a long bamboo stick to get the ball back. What could possibly go wrong with this plan? Fail. If the pole was a little longer I think it would have worked. Plan K – turn bamboo pole into a fishing rod, with a pair of pink sunglasses for the hook, to get the ball back. Fail. Plan L – try to sneak in the pedestrian gate again, using clear umbrellas as an invisibility shield. Fail. I was so sure that plan was going to succeed. Plan M – ring the door bell. Fail.

So many genius plans to infiltrate the base and every single one failed. The clown army were about to admit defeat when all of a sudden, a message was relayed over the base’s loudspeaker, “Access through the south gate has been cancelled due to protest.” Result! The rebel clown army are victorious! There’s cheering and dancing in the street. (It isn’t a revolution with out dancing!)

After some celebrations of this momentous victory, the clowns rally and plan to head to the north gate of the base, to continue the battle. They leave a small contingent behind to hold the south gate and head off. RI and I had to stay behind as we aren’t clown recruits, so we can’t report what shenanigans the clowns got up to at he north gate. But word soon got back that the north gate too, had been shutdown! Another result! A bunch of misfit clowns manage to shutdown access to a navy base manned by trained professional military types. Oh and the cops. Maybe we need to rethink the whole nuke thing as a deterrent and employ the clown army to defend our shores from dangerous terrorists that the government say lurk round every corner trying to take over the country and destroy our way of life. Which we know is bullshit, as it’s our way of life that is destructive.

Words by  Dangermouse

With massive love and respect to the gals and guys at the camp – thanks for the warm welcome and please expect the same up north should you visit.

Their facedick page is here: click for info

email – faslane30@riseup.net

BBC links (which are actually quite nice)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-18064854

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-18203818

NOTES:

Fishing
Clowns move like a school of fish
Stand together in a clump as tight as possible while still having room to move. The person who finds themselves at the front in the direction of the clump initiates a motion/gesture/sound. The clump gradually keeps changing direction, with new people constantly finding themselves at the front on the gaggle.
Pointers: Stay close, keep movements simple, use levels (high to low), the key is completely synchronized movement.
Socking
The gaggle of clowns moves forward and backward as if it is a sock being pulled inside out.
Moving forward:
Form a clump. Clowns at the back of the clump move to the front of the clump (you can do between or around. Imagine somebody is taking a picture of the clowns and you want to be at the front!) When you find yourself at the back again, move to the front. When you reach a destination, reverse. Clowns at the front move to the back. Peel off.
Advanced version: Sock with an emotion. For example: sock forward with love, sock backward with disgust. Sock forward with hunger, sock backward with nausea. Sock forward with curiosity, sock backward with contempt.