Kid’s Birdhouse Day at Home Despot

saint home depotsaint home depot

“Hold still!”*

 

Any second now. So I – -don’t you love it when it’s Kid’s Birdhouse Day at Home Despot? (I am pretty sure I said Home Despot at this point in the video, as well as later, and someone edited it out.) Going to Home Despot and there are several hundred hammers going as hard as they can at once. You don’t notice it at first, but part of you slowly starts to wonder if the building is being attacked by birds. Then you realize it’s that day again. It is about the cutest thing.

I don’t think I would have liked Home Despot Birdhouse Day when I was a kid. I wasn’t very good at building things. It’s frustrating, to be in a group of your peers, some of whom appear younger than you even, and find yourself less capable than them at building stuff because you’ve never done it before. For all you know this is their fourth or fifth Home Despot Birdhouse Day. They might have the full collection at home: the Make-Your-Own Toolbox, the Make-Your-Own Racecar, the Make-Your-Own Home-Despot-Birdhouse-Day-Certificate Frame. So that always stinks, if that happens.

They should give you two. They should give you one to practice. They should give you another one. Once you know what you are doing, you can do a second one.

 

I was thinking about something last night — this isn’t related to anything; I know I was going to think about whether I was going to talk about something, and I will — isn’t that fun, the kind of decisions that we need to make anymore: ‘Let me decide if I need to decide about this.’ That’s called wisdom, I believe: being a couple of steps away from the problem, so you can see it coming! And hopefully avoid it.

Someone many cars behind me honks.

 

I was thinking last night — wow. The eye doctor put something in my eyes to color them, and it’s coming out my nose now. It’s like bright yellow dye, that’s coming out of my nose. Is there any filter in between there any more at all? The space behind my eyes and my nose?

 

So, ok, last night I was thinking about the Bible, and I was thinking about thinking that the Bible is true. You can say, “Well, is the Bible true?” And I can say, “Well, I haven’t found any parts that aren’t true yet.” And you can say “Well, what about all that stuff about, like, gay people?” And I can say, “Well, geez man, I don’t even really like to think about what other people do in their beds, do you know what I mean? I don’t want to know … I mean, it doesn’t seem like it’s any of my business? I mean, let’s not talk about it! Unless you have a problem or something?! Then we can try to work something out. Geez.”

 

And you can say, “Well, don’t you know people who are gay?” and I can say, like, “Well. I — Pfft. Pfft . Hunh. Ehh. Uhh. Ah. Umm. Ehh. Eeyar. I mean. I don’t know that they are? I mean. Umm. That seems very personal.” And you can say, “Well, do you think it’s right, for people to say, that because of what it says in the Bible, that people who are gay are bad; because it says in the Bible that they should be punished? Right?” And I can say, “Well, I never thought to have an opinion about it. Because it’s none of my business.”**

And you can say, “Well, don’t you think that’s wrong, that a lot of churches, they tell gay people when they come into the church that they are condemned, because they are gay? Because it says that in there? So you have this whole group of people who can’t go to church because they are condemned?” And I can say, “Well, I seriously have no opinion on it. It’s not like if some guy in church has a wife, we’re not going to pull him up in church for having slept with her before they got married, are we? Because it’s none of our business? Do you think it’s wrong if he slept with her before he got married? Because Paul has a lot of stuff to say about that too. But nobody does that, right? How weird would that be?” And you can say, “Well-” and then I can say, “So I’m saying I don’t have any opinion on it. I said that. Does it look like I left my judges’ robes at the cleaner’s or something, because I didn’t?” And I would say, “If you are doing something, it’s because you don’t think it’s wrong, and that ought to be good enough for you? It’s good enough for me.”

And then I can say, “Seriously, someone has probably already thought of this, but can you imagine if women who performed oral sex on men, as a class, decided to all dress differently from women who didn’t perform oral sex on men? Oral sex is fornication. It’s forbidden — by Paul. But can you imagine if there was an entire culture that came along with being a woman that performed oral sex of men, or better yet, and man who performed oral sex on women, so that if you do that, then you need to wear an earring? So we can all know that that is what you do?”

 

I  just passed the world’s happiest deer. Oh my gosh.

 

And then I can ask, “Should we do that? Say things like ‘Yup, I’ve decided: I’m a guy that goes down. I’m coming out. I’m mostly going to hang out with other guys that go down, because they understand me better, and we need to stick up for each other. We have going-down-guy pride.”

Your turn.

Photo credit: this dude’s pinterest

*These images are identical, in case anyone forgot what that looks like.

**And reassure myself that the reason we’re prolongedly talking about penises and things is totally your fault.

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