Local attractions


Passengers, if you will look to your left you will see coming up in just a moment the longest continuous block of row houses in Baltimore, and I think maybe even in the country. Is it this one? I’m never really sure which one it is. There are three big blocks, and each one looks like the biggest you’ve ever seen until you see the next one. Now let’s count this one ready: 2 4 6 8 10 12 14 16 18 20 22 24 26 28 30 32 34 36 38 40 there are definitely more than 50, more than 50 houses, side by side, on one block. Right here at Wilkins Ave and Millington.

A friend of mine, who’s from Chicago, claims that the rowhouse was invented in Baltimore. I am not so sure.

And now the GPS is telling me to turn left on Pulaski Highway, which I will do if I must.

And it tells me I should go for three-quarters of a mile, which I’ll be happy to do if we live that long.

Already I’ve counted more than 20 drug dealers. And no, sir, you over there on the bicycle, you don’t count.

Why do I ever to cut through Baltimore? I love it so much, it always pulls at my heart.

And oh yes, you are correct, it is hard to believe that this is actually a street, the way that people are just parked on it as if they’re waiting in line. Don’t make eye contact with him, we don’t want him to think we’re waiting in line! Boy, am I glad this isn’t Mexico.

Every weekend I’ve been cutting through the city, to avoid the traffic on the beltway. And every time it makes me nostalgic for days.

I like that phrase, nostalgic for days.

Don’t let him in! Don’t let– do not– fine. K just sit here.

Look at all these stickers on these cars. When you live in Baltimore you have to accessorize with the right set of organizations. You need to belong to at least one Arts group (“I play the boom box ironically!”), one Hands-On group (Saving Lives through Making Beer, for example), and then something political or eco-friendly. If it has “park” in the name, that shows class. “United” is cool too. And then everyone’s like, who do you volunteer with? Who do you volunteer with? And no one ever asks, why don’t we get jobs?!

I’m in school, that’s what you say. Even though you aren’t. You’re supposed to be taking one class at UMBC, and you never go.

One of the most impolite things you can do in Baltimore is ask someone who says they’re in school what they’re studying. It’s just not right to put them on the spot like that! What do you want them to tell you, that they’re studying a calendar, while they wait for their next student loan check to show up? I remember more than once I asked people who had just told me that they were in school, what they were studying, and they looked completely puzzled, like, what do you mean by that question? It was an adjustment, is all I’m saying.

Yes, that might have been the oldest Catholic Church in the world, going by on the right, and I’m pretty sure that was definitely the first library in the country, but no one cares. I mean, not the oldest Catholic Church in the world, the oldest Catholic Church in the country. And not the first Library in the United States the first Free Library in the United States. But whatever. Seriously, no one cares. I’ll show you some real landmarks.

Like Paul Laurence Dunbar High School! I Heard A Kid Got Shot There Once.

Okay no I didn’t, but it’s likely. So I could have heard about it. Even though I didn’t. What I did hear though, is that they have a swimming pool. I don’t believe it though.

And now we’re driving through the campus of the oppressive world-renowned Hospital. All of this you see was of course built on the backs of the people.

And all the other parts of them too.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist a little joke, but it’s no laughing matter. These folks are constantly pushing people out of their barely inhabited ghettos to build more Ronald McDonald houses and sh$t like that. It’s disgusting. So if you ever wanted to know what the enemy looks like, this is it. (If you can’t see, it’s a lot like an airport, but everyone’s wearing scrubs.)

They torture mice in there too. I have this from a credible source.

Whoops! someone tried to crash into my car.

Now coming up here we have a Hotel With Some Whores In It, and Some Garages People Probably Live In. You’ll see those on the left and right, make sure I capitalize them. And there’s a very depressing strip club. You can tell just from the outside, and they’re always hiring. And you wouldn’t know it, but here on the left is where they make those weird Cowtail candies, with the caramel? Are they sold nationwide?

I know you can’t see it, but further back there to the left is a hotel that’s been converted by the state into a prison. I heard the rates went up when they did so! Hahaha.

And that’s about it. I think from here on out it’s all junk yards.

And now Google Maps is telling me to get back on the highway. “Take the Moravia Road exit towards 95,” it said.

“I895,” it said.

Did you, Google? Did you?

Now how is anyone ever going to get to New York?

You greedy insatiable domestically owned corporation! I should have taken that job in Manhattan when I had the chance. And I’m never driving through here again, it makes me sad for days…I guess this is what I get for trying to dodge the tolls.

Unlike so many people, I actually grew up in Baltimore, which is why I know this song:


My mom used to sing it to me when I was little, and she sounded exactly like the video, swear to Pete. Her parents used to sing it to her. You can learn it though, it’s not that hard.



Hey, at least I don’t have to live in Kansas City.