Beware Talking Furniture, Dear Readers

“Stop beating the stuffing out of me!”

There has been an outbreak of talking furniture in our region. Please remain calm.

Be cautious if you encounter furniture that talks. Keep in mind that it is helpless and not capable of malice. 

DO NOT BELIEVE what talking furniture says about who is hurting them, talking to them, or encouraging them to talk.

Talking furniture cannot know or identify who is harming it. As furniture, it only hears what it is told directly, and is often used to frame people. Authorities are sorting out a large number of false arrests right now.

Instead of investigating who a piece of talking furniture thinks is responsible for their plight and talking quality, investigate what it has been thinking about lately, how it feels physically, and where exactly it hurts.

Many pieces of talking furniture experience bizarre intermittent tingling, hammering, wobbly an/or even burning sensations. Operators use these physical methods to freak it out and trick it into testifying against pretty much anyone.

Please be advised that talking furniture testimony on topics beyond observations from their own individual experience is not admissible in any criminal proceeding. They have no idea what they are talking about, but will rather repeat whatever they have been told.

Residents are also requested to refresh themselves on industry best practice techniques for distinguishing people from furniture. Admittedly this can be a bit like sexing a guinea pig. If the furniture has been trained, it can seem quite knowledgeable and human when it talks about mind reading, Dion Warwick’s Psychic Friends Network or other distracting and strange topics from the tabloids.

DO NOT USE PAIN OR TORTURE IN TESTS TO DISTINGUISH HUMANS FROM FURNITURE OR TO FORCE CRIMINALS YOU SUSPECT ARE PRETENDING TO BE FURNITURE TO REVEAL THAT THEY ARE HUMAN. ENCOURAGING THE USE OF PAIN AND TORTURE IN SUCH TESTS HAS RECENTLY BEEN IDENTIFIED AS PART OF SEVERAL VERY EMBARRASSING AND TRAGIC SCAMS. See your local area captain for more information about appropriate tests to distinguish furniture from people. 

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, ALL SUSPECTED CRIMINALS SHOULD BE TESTED USING APPROPRIATE METHODS TO ENSURE NO MORE FURNITURE IS CONVICTED, INCARCERATED, ETC. Smaller pieces like end tables are particularly at risk, as is anything with spindly legs.

Investigators suspect that because furniture prices are murder, talking furniture is being used to frame more and more pieces, possibly as part of an evil scheme to completely redecorate someone’s criminal headquarters.

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