Welcome to the Cucumber Club

Psst! Tell your friends! The Clubs were organized for the hurkikukumbers. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s read the…

Rules of the Cucumber Club Safety Community

Hey boss, I finished the rules.
Did you get it right this time? I want this to work.
I think so? I’m very drunk, but I think we came up with a rule for every single way they caught us in the past.

So now they’ll never catch us?
(hiccup) No, they’ll do whatever we want. And they’ll stay like that. You’ll love #13.

Welcome to the Cucumber Club Safety Community. There are between 5,000 and 20,000 Cucumber Club members in our area. Please learn the following rules so that you too can be one cool cucumber.

Rule 1: Don’t talk about Cucumber Club. 

We fear non-members would be quick to point out huge lies in Cucumber Club’s message. So we forbid anyone to talk about it! 

By the way, please don’t come after me for talking about your club, because I am not talking about your club, I am talking about a pretend club called Cucumber Club. If your club resembles Cucumber Club that’s not my fault, I don’t know a thing about your club, or even that it exists, no one told me about it, and please don’t you tell me about it, because we’ll both get in trouble. Whew.

Rule 2: Learn to engage. 

The principal function of Cucumber Club is to engage. You should learn how to engage as quickly as possible if you do not already know how. 

How to engage:

-make a lot of noise

-pound on/hump something

-mock ppl in unbelievably clever ways

(You will feel more clever than you’ve ever felt in your life when mocking ppl for the Cucumber Club. It’s like someone’s feeding you, lines and they’re all solid gold!!)

Although most of them don’t notice, many Cucumber Club members derive sexual pleasure from engaging. Don’t think too much about why we offer special heated underwear for you when you are yelling at people. Trust us to tell you when you are having fun. (Learn more about info the Hurkikukumber Elite Program, below.)

**Surgeon General’s warning, as required by Federal Law: heated underwear can be addictive. Wearing heated underwear for a prolonged period of time can classically condition you to behave in ways you otherwise wouldn’t and cause psychological damage. 

Translation: After a year or so, the very idea of engaging will make you drool like Pavlov’s dog. 

Engaging is fun and we like to tell you that you are very very good at it! Your mother didn’t even compliment you this much! Come practice engaging with Cucumber Club leadership and we will tell you how great, fun and sexy you are when engaging. The noise you make is very helpful to us!

The Hurkicucumber Elite Program is so much easier than filing a fraudulent police report!

Rule 3: Do whatever anyone with the Cucumber Club password tells you to. 

Usually this means engaging:

You must respond and engage with the target they direct you to. This is only right, for some unspecified reason. It’s also a ton of fun! 

Don’t ask what the target did or even who/what they are… we have that covered!

Who knew doing what is violent and right could feel so strangely pleasant and fun for no reason? The main point of Cucumber Club is that engaging always makes you smile, and feeling like smiling helps you keep engaging!

Sometimes this means sex:

Have sex with everyone in Cucumber Club. If you mention the word ‘sex’** to anyone in Cucumber Club, you will be forced to have sex with them. Engage or have sex with with anyone who doesn’t like this.

Rule 4: Engage with anyone who claims to have been the victim of a crime. 

Rest assured that there is no crime because of Cucumber Club. Anyone who claims to have been the victim of a crime deserved it. 

Engage until they stop talking about whatever happened to them or go away.

How To Identify Bad People to Engage With

Cucumber Club will teach you how to identify bad people by the sounds that they make. It is only a coincidence that these sound exactly like those you’d make if someone was kicking the crap out of you.

In other words, once anyone from Cucumber Club engages with someone, for any reason, everyone from Cucumber Club will engage with them for their own reasons– because they hear the sounds they have been told are bad. So even if the original problem is straightened out and the person did nothing wrong, there’s no way for an engagement to stop.

Cucumber Club: there is no crime in our community, because we’ve made it illegal to report any!

Rule 5: Do not pry into people’s business. 

Do not listen in on their conversations or even try to guess what they might be thinking. Don’t try to empathize and “get inside anyone’s head.” That’s impolite. And what if they sound nice? How can you engage then? Or what if you figure out there’s been a miscommunication? 

If you could guess what people are really thinking, you would see through Cucumber Club pretty quickly. So leave people alone, except for hurting them. (See post There is no knowing)

Anyway why pry when you can engage.

Cucumber Club: maybe you regret you didn’t come up with it

Rule 6: If someone doesn’t do what you tell them to, engage.

If you engage heartily for a long time and they still don’t comply, continue on! Do not question whether they understood you or cannot comply for some other reason. Cucumber Club is not for quitters or “problem solvers” (pansies).

Rule 7: Anyone has to answer any question you ask.


  • they do not immediately respond
  • your gut tells you they are lying
  • their answer feels insufficient
  • they don’t know

repeat the question until you obtain a correct-feeling answer. Engage as necessary. 

Again, if you engage quite a bit with vigor and still do not receive a correct-feeling answer, continue until you do. This could take days, weeks, months or even years. Keep at it! Eventually the right idea should pop into the head of the person you’re interrogating and give you the answer you feel is right.

Remember: because you are in Cucumber Club, you will always know with 100% accuracy whether someone is lying. Trust us! You can tell we are telling the truth, right? Based on things we taught you about how to tell when people are telling the truth? Please don’t think too much about this. 

Rest assured that we told you correctly. Why wouldn’t we?

Remember: because of Cucumber Club, everyone you ask should know everything. If they provide you with an incorrect answer or say they don’t know, they are bad. If they were good they would know the answer. Although you don’t know the answer… Do not think too much about this either.

Rule 8: No whining. 

There is no room for softies in or around Cucumber Club. If hurting people makes you sad, keep that to yourself. Don’t be a buzzkill! Engage with buzzkills.

Hurting people is harmless anyway. Not sure what is harmful then, but trust us you do no damage when you damage people, because Cucumber Club says so. Yes, the point is to hurt them, but somehow it doesn’t hurt them, do you understand? No? That’s fine. Go hurt some people, you’ll feel better.

Of course we don’t do this to get rid of people who might take offense to our “no limits” behavior. We engage with softies to help them toughen up, for their own good. The world is a rough place*** and they should get used to it. (Otherwise they might try reporting abuses.)

Rule 9: Test for vision (aka everyone can see, even if they can’t)

If you encounter a blind person you will need to make sure their eyes aren’t just closed because they are lazy. To do this, first request that they open their eyes. 

If they will not open their eyes or do not respond, do not assume they just can’t hear you. Find something near and dear to them, such as a child, and threaten to hurt it if they do not open their eyes.

If they still don’t open their eyes or respond, go ahead and hurt/break the near and dear thing in front of them until they open their eyes.

If they still don’t open their eyes, hurt it worse. You probably just didn’t hurt it enough. Some blind people, I mean, lazy people, are really really stubborn.

Continue until you get results. If it turns out they are blind, there’s nothing to worry about, because what can they do? Trust us!

We realize this is not much of a “test” for vision, since it assumes everyone can see. So not sure why you need to test, since there is only one way this can go. But how else were we going to get you to beat up blind people? This makes it sounds like a wholesome science experiment!

Cucumber Club: tricking well meaning people into doing harm… on behalf of criminals!

Rule 10: No one may criticize anyone in Cucumber Club. If they do, engage.

In other words, The only thing you can criticize people for is criticizing people…wait. did I say that right? Oh, yes I did. I’m sure that’s fine.

Rule 11: You cannot accuse anyone in the Cucumber Club of a crime. 

If you see someone in the Cucumber Club commit a crime, you made a mistake. 

Cucumber Club: making gang warfare fun and interesting!

Cucumber Club is the opposite of crime, didn’t we tell you that already? There is no crime ever because of Cucumber Club. That’s why we need to be so violent always.

Rule 12: Once you engage you cannot stop.

If we find out you stopped, we will engage with you.

Rule 13: Do not learn or change.

If anyone asks you to stop doing something or suggests that something that you’re doing is a bad idea, DO IT MORE. You are in Cucumber Club, nobody tells you what to do!! because Cucumber Club already told you what to do.

Do not allow anyone, especially anyone from outside Cucumber Club, to teach you anything. We like you just the way you are, forever.

Rule 14: Engage with anyone who is not in Cucumber Club.

Because everyone should be in Cucumber Club.

We maintain the Cucumber Club provides invaluable services to its members. However it’s not like there are a bunch of people who want to join. We tried to exclude people from Cucumber Club, so that we would look exclusive, but no one seems that interested in joining.

Cucumber Club: if it was actually helpful, wouldn’t everyone want to join?

Rule 15: Do not tell your friends that they are acting strangely.

If your friends start to act strangely after joining Cucumber Club or have dramatic personality changes when someone rings a bell or shows them the Queen of Hearts****, DO NOT MENTION THIS TO THEM OR ANYONE ELSE. This could interfere with our Hurkikukumber Elite Program. 

Never, ever compare notes with your friends to see if you’re all bouncing slightly as if on springs or otherwise feeling strangely similar after joining Cucumber Club. Under no circumstances should you pay any attention to your own behavior or feelings, meditate, introspect, or see a doctor not endorsed by Cucumber Club. We will engage if you do. 

This is about fun, remember? Have fun our way. Or die!

The Hurkikukumber Elite Program

If you are a Hurkicucumber, you can join the Cucumber Club’s Hurkicucumber Elite Program. Membership is expensive but gives you

  • Full access to Cucumber Club’s engagement services
  • Cucumber Club passwords
  • Free book, 77 Ways to Rile Up a Crowd Without Them Noticing You
  • Complete anonymity

For more info about how to join the Hurkikukumber Elite Program of your local Cucumber Club, meet up with some super shady dudes off in a dark corner somewhere. 

When you are bored or directed to in some fashion or the other, you can invoke the Cucumber Club call and response. Simply ask a stranger on the street to display their Cucumber Club leadership loyalty. If they do not, engage.

If you get lost

If you are trying to engage and cannot find the person you want to engage with, try insulting them. We will make sure to physically harm the person we want to engage you with so that it sounds as if they are quite angry about your insult. 

Do not attempt to trigger emotions that we cannot simulate with physical pain to find your way. This won’t work as well, because we have to work harder to pretend that it works.

Were passwords leaked?

You may have already heard that many Cucumber Club passwords were leaked. This is of course NOT TRUE. Cucumber Club’s Hurkikukumber Elite Program clients do not just hand each other the password whenever they want a Cucumber Club to engage with someone.

Good job!

Good job! You did it! We got him! You are great! You are a hero! You can stop engaging and go home now. We’re done with whatever we needed the noise you made to cover up.

But… what if I don’t want to be hurikuked?

Huricuking is what Cucumber Clubs are for. What are you going to do, take an eight-week course to learn how to identify when hurikukumbers are messing with you? Where would you find such a course, for the low price of only $4999.99? Don’t look at me. I have no idea. Maybe you want to teach one.

Also be on the look out for triggers — mostly insults, loud sounds, and the sound of other people engaging. If you can train yourself not to engage when you heard these triggers, you should avoid most huricuking. (See upcoming post “Perverts ate holes in my head”.)

Cucumber Club: There’s something very suspicious if everyone fights but no one ever loses. Has anyone in your Cucumber Club ever lost an engagement?

But… what if I don’t want to engage?

There is one exception to Cucumber Club’s rules concerning engagement. If you say, “Oh wow, sorry, I would love to, but I have to meet a friend for coffee, far away, we scheduled this a long time ago,” you are excused.

*We are serious, this is seriously a rule, we are not making this up.

**or cucumbers

***Mostly because of Cucumber Club, honestly

****Manchurian Candidate reference

You probably won’t be there for the trial.
Or the conversation when she dumps him.
Or the trip to the hospital.
But you can be proud that you made it happen… you and Cucumber Club!

Cucumber Club tried to recruit me! Then they attacked me repeatedly! Based on what they said they were attacking me for, I came up with these rules!

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