Will edit later
Patty Whobbilkensam had a beanie-wearing puppet surgically removed from her hand late last night.
“She donned it as a young woman and then just never took it off,” said Dr. McStitcher, who performed the puppet-ectomy. “It was a nasty thing to do in the first place, but that she wore it for so long is really gross!”
The woman wore the puppet so long that a flesh-eating fungus grew inside it, rotting the stuffing away and adhering her hand to it.
“We think she found this convenient,” said McStitcher. “But it was a major health hazard.”
Friends of the Whobbilkensams say Patty was well known in town for her unusual hobby– being an evil ninja.
“When she was little she was out hopping on rooftops and knifing people most nights,” said a childhood friend of Patty’s, who did not want to give his name. “Then one day she just vanished.”
Patty took herself off the grid to make her puppet scheme work.
“She got this giant puppet– at a yard sale or something. She took the little rainbow beanie on her own head and sewed it on the puppet’s. We found a photo in her home of the two of them together. She had written on the back, ‘Now she looks just like me.'”
Patty mutilated the puppet’s eyes somehow, then took her out and about.
“A lot of the time she pretended to be an onlooker, like the puppet’s older disapproving sister or something. Meanwhile she had the puppet folded in half and was controlling it very tightly.
Rudolph Yacanovich
“Whenever the puppet did well, she took credit, saying she felt she had to step in and help, because the whole situation was so sad. She told everyone the puppet was neglected.”
Meanwhile she wouldn’t let anyone near it.
“Whenever anyone came calling or things didn’t go so well, she reversed the strings, as it were, pretending she was the puppet and that the puppet was controlling her.”
In the next breath, she’d be back to playing the onlooker, showing everyone the beanie and blaming the puppet, calling it stupid.
“It was pretty sick.”
Like the flesh-eating fungus, this role reversal seemed to grow on Patty over the years.
“We think it was the kind of thing that gets addictive. Fooling people like that. When it works, you feel very powerful, and then you want to do it again.”
Then about ten years ago she got into real trouble, the kind that doesn’t blow over.
“We’re still not sure what she did,” said (name), “But it seems like it was enough to piss everyone off at once.”
Patty went into hiding behind her beanie-wearing puppet as all hell broke loose.
With that much heat on her tail, she wasn’t able to take the puppet off, ever. Both Patty’s arm and the puppet’s innards were already filthy from Patty’s routine, but wearing it constantly took them both to new lows. The stench of the pair offended everyone they came into contact with.
A few people reported the puppet appeared to move, but this was an illusion created by a thick layer of maggots inside it.
“Patty just gave up. She pretty much accepted she would be pretending to be a puppet, this character she created, for life.”
Patty had a variety of stories she used for concealing her scheme. In one, she accused the puppet of being a criminal pretending to be a puppet, and walked the puppet through how to defend itself when it was arrested.
From then on it was easy, albeit revolting, sailing. Once the puppet cleared itself of Patty’s crime, no me thought to suspect Patty.
“The puppet got pretty good at defending itself. It was motivated and Patty was helping quite a bit.”
Once the puppet convinced people it was just a puppet, some people thought it was unattended and even considered wearing it themselves, but obviously it was very much occupied, by both Patty and the maggots.
We had a quick interview with the puppet, now in the hands of it’s new handlers, after surgery.
“I think whoever it was really regrets ever starting this,” it said haltingly. “I think she feels like she missed out on having a regular life.”
The puppet does not know who Patty is and never will. It doesn’t matter much, but doctors removed the little beanie Patty had sewn to it’s head.