Found your leak, boss!

More revealed in Split Screen case: Gregoridiarrrr had Omeprazole registered as his supernatural guardian

Found your leak, boss!

Unbeknownst to Omeprazole, who did not know such a thing was possible, Gregoridiarrrr (whom Omeprazole thought did not exist) registered Omeprazole as his legal supernatural guardian several years ago.

Omeprazole was also registered as the supernatural guardian of several other people, including himself.

“Not only does Gregoridiarrrr exist, he is the mastermind behind the Petkicker virus,” said Darisxa Maconishle, who continues to investigate the case. He hacked his way through the interview for the supernatural guardian registration, which was conducted via crystal ball. He generated fake responses from Omeprazole using his then new Petkicker virus.

Meanwhile Omeprazole doesn’t even have a crystal ball. 

“He’s not a witch,” said Maconishle. “He is just a guy who is obsessed with tea. But we noticed, watching him over the past two weeks, he never makes any!”

Indeed Omeprazole’s tea obsession is making more sense now. Gregoridiarrrr has been frequently suing him for supernatural neglect for years– and Omeprazole never had a clue.

“Omeprazole had Supernatural Protective Services (SPS) all over him for years,” said Maconishle. “Without knowing what they were. Of course he developed an obsession with tea.

“He was trying to figure out how to get SPS and Gregoridiarrrr– whom we’ve found, he does exist–to leave him alone. He thought if he learned enough about the tea he could do that.

“And witches’ tea isn’t meant for people who aren’t witches. Of course he was quite sensitive to it and had strong reactions.”

And indeed it appears to have been Gregoridiarrrr who created Omeprazole’s tea obsession in the first place. Because he was listed as Gregoridiarrrr’s supernatural guardian, when Omeprazole mail ordered regular tea he received tea crafted for witches.

“If you are on the list as a witch, you get tea for a witch,” said one supplier. “It doesn’t matter what you ordered. We check the list. 

“It’s important that all witches drink proper witch tea, at every moment, even if they say they don’t want it. Especially if they say they don’t want it!” 

Drink up!

Thousands of other suppliers who shipped witches’ tea to Omeprazole said something identical. 

Witches’ Brew

So what is witches’ tea like?*

“It’s very potent, packs a serious punch. It kills most people who aren’t witches,” said Maconishle. “Although it can take months or even years to do so. Meanwhile it just makes you miserable and despairing.”

“The taste is very bizarre,” said Omeprazole. “Once in a while you get some that is just beautiful, but that is very rare and mostly me being polite. I f***ing hate it and never want to think about it ever again.

“Always was a coffee drinker anyway.”

Gregoridiarrrr sat as close as he could to Omeprazole throughout Omeprazole’s testimony, saying “Good one!” when he finished answering a question and trying to high-five him while Omeprazole flinched away.

When Omeprazole told the court he had been a coffee drinker, Gregoridiarrrr sortof whisper-yelled at him “Tell them you were a coffee drinker! They’ll definitely fall for that!”

The judge stopped the proceedings.

“But that’s what he just said,” she said. “Why are you pretending that you are telling him to say that, after he just said it?”

Gregoridiarrrr just glared at her.

The entire situation is less confusing than we’d thought, based on Omeprazole’s earlier testimony with the whiteboard. Which makes a lot of sense, because how would he know? The man has no crystal ball. 

Gregoridiarrrr just wanted to trade places with Omeprazole sometimes, to hide out when witches were searching for him for his other crimes. 

With Omeprazole registered as his supernatural guardian, Gregoridiarrrr could assume a false identity as Squeaky McShivers, the fake name he gave when he registered himself as Omeprazole’s supernatural dependent.

Forcing Omeprazole to drink witches’ tea all the time seemed like a small price to pay for the convenience of being able to hide whenever necessary.

“Can you picture this guy, hacking the crystal balls of the registars and everyone watching, and hexing Omeprazole to get him to say the right words at the right time, all while pretending to be a different person who wasn’t a witch? He’s a real piece of work.”

To witches going by the list, Omeprazole was a witch, so he was not allowed to have a supernatural guardian. Witches from the community tried to check in on him and help, and many were censured for doing so. 

“Gregoridiarrrr was quick to report us to the standards board for whatever he could come up with,” said one witch who helped Omeprazole put down his cup of witches’ tea for a few seconds and eat something. “He said Omeprazole was stubbornly refusing to act like a witch and we shouldn’t help him.”

Authorities are investigating the scope of Gregoriadarr’s fake supernatural guardian network. And whether this type of crap is a nationwide practice.

Checklist from earlier blogs (for readers interested in extra credit) 

  • every black kid in America
  • people who curse but mean something different
  • animals from undesirables list
  • boring people receiving witches’ tea by mistake
  • Knowers who need to start their education over (many need therapy first)

Or maybe you want to design replacements for the systems and processes that created the above!

There is a saying:

I made a list, I put you on it.

Is it a good list?

We’ll see.

*Sorry this is turning out to be more about the tea than the trial, someone’s obsessed.

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