Another rat leaves the sinking ship: ‘Mack the Knife’ is retiring

Whatever will the Gold Commandant do now? In a short news item quietly slipped out on the Uni website it has been revealed that Dave ‘Mack the Knife’ Mackintosh, the oldest man in the University, if not the Universe, has finally decided to retire after almost 360 – er, correction, 36 – years with Kingston University. There have been jubilant cheers across KU, as many staff have been waiting for this moment for a very long time, and can’t wait to finally see the back of Crappy-Macky Tosh.

Mack the Knife, otherwise known as ‘Axejob’ by many staff, has been the loyal bagman to Steven ‘Two Jobs’ Spier, Kingston’s Vice-Clown, for a very long time. He was the epitome of KU arslikhan, always eager to please his boss and massage the Gold Commandant’s fragile ego. Tosh has served as Deputy VC, as a Dean across a number of Faculties, and more recently was the PVC for Strategy, to name just a few of the numerous roles he took on. He also was given responsibilities for planning and portfolio development, ‘quality’ assurance and enhancement (what a joke!), home and international student recruitment and support, and so on. You name it, he was given it. Spiersy off-loaded and dumped a ton of work on to Mackintosh, who obediently took on the roles with little protest. In many ways Macky became the Uni ‘go for’, fetching and doing everything and anything asked for by Spiersy. He could often be seen wearily trudging up the stairs in Holmewood House to visit the VC’s first-floor office to get yet more instructions.

And the instructions came thick and fast. The Telegraph-reading VC, who hates to deal with the Unions and refused to meet them face-to-face, often sent along Mac the Knife as his representative instead. In order to cover up his own financial mismanagement of the Uni, he would often use Mackintosh to do his dirty work and chair committees. Most notoriously, however, ‘Axejob’ was used by the Vice-Clown as the man who would meekly implement subject and department closures, order enforced redundancies, make ‘efficiency’ savings, and impose ‘temporary’ suspension of student recruitment on selected Schools (which was always a prelude to further axing of subjects). And there have been plenty of these severe cuts in recent years. Many staff careers have been trashed and talents lost. As an added incentive for his loyal bagman to wield the axe, Spiersy also ensured that ‘Mac the Knife’ was paid a secret financial bonus. When news of this was leaked, it led to a lot of moans and expressions of disgust by certain other members of the SLT (Senile Leadership Team) when they finally realised what was going on.

Mackintosh knew he was grossly unpopular with other SLTers, who were pissed off at the blatant favouritism always shown to him by the Gold Commandant, but Axejob batted all this away, and told his very few mates that he was looking forward to trousering a nice big pension. Above all, Mack the Knife became loathed by other Kingston staff for his forked tongue – he would say one thing to some and the complete opposite to others. Tosh by name and Tosh by nature. He would renege on promises and reassurances, and he told loads of porkies week by week. If you were told by Mac that you were ‘safe’ and your subject secure, you knew immediately you were doomed. While Spiersy has been the chief architect in converting the Uni into a hollowed-out Polyversity which is laughed at by its rivals, Axejob helped cause serious reputational damage to the Uni through the trashing of targeted subject disciplines. No student worth their salt will now take the risk of studying at KU, fearful that yet more closures could come and their Degree might close halfway through their studies. KU has been really struggling with recruitment, and we should not be surprised, given the short-sighted antics of Spiersy and his now departing bagman.

Spier and his SLT mob have been in complete denial over this, and as far as he is concerned everything is still rosy in the KU garden. The recent event held in Town House to ‘celebrate’ the Future Skills programme, where the VC bored his small audience into deep comas yet again, merely reinforced for those who attended how desperate Spier has become to persuade staff that the Clown House strategy is making ‘progress’ and has ‘really started to deliver’. As the audience numbed their bums on the cold concrete seats, the Vice-Clown rambled on about how his Future Skills nonsense is ‘positioning us way ahead nationally on this crucial agenda’. Oh yeah? Welcome to Spier-land, where pink pigs fly and students will ‘Navigate’ and ‘Explore’ their way through their Degrees. The Vice-Admiral certainly loves his seafaring terms, and as the ship slowly sinks ever deeper into the muddy waters, expect more of this embarrassing BS.

The departure of Axejob is, frankly, a big blow for Spiersy. He had hoped to hold on to him much longer, and wanted Mac the Tosh to do further public relations work on the Clown House strategy and the ‘Future Skills’ programme, which are failing to deliver the major ‘sector-leading’ promises the VC announced three years ago. But it seems Axejob has finally had enough and wanted to desert the sinking ship, much to Vice-Admiral Spiersy’s frustration. In fact, the whole Clown House strategy is obviously in serious trouble, and all the BS about its objectives that was sold to the BOG (Board of Governors) has not lived up to the ‘transformation’ and huge League Tables success Spiersy said it would.

In a panic to replace his obedient bagman with another lap-dog, Spiersy has announced the appointment of Dr. David Ashton as ‘Interim’ (in other words, temporary) Pro-VC for Strategy. Ashton will ‘assume the role of leading on the delivery of the Town House Strategy’, said Spier. Ashton was recently a Pro-VC at Leeds Beckett Uni, and prior to that was at Royal Holloway for 6 years. But wait! Is this man a fresh face for Kingston Uni? Does that name not sound a little bit familiar? Is this the man who was once the Academic Registrar at Kingston? Yes, the very same. It’s resurrection time again. In order to plug the gaping hole left by Macky the Tosh, the VC has decided to replace a near-dead man with an old zombie from the distant KU past. Isn’t it great to be at Kingston Uni? (if you can hold on to your job, of course).