New Kingston Uni Song Launched

Kingston Uni Comms Team News Release: For immediate media distribution. No embargo.

After many months of creative innovation by a specially selected interim team, Kingston’s Gold Commandant, Admiral and Senior Vice-Clown Steven ‘Two Jobs’ Spier is very pleased to announce the adoption of a new Kingston University theme song, to be used at all graduation ceremonies and at all University-related special events and official occasions.

Based on the famous Eton Boating Song, the music and lyrics in Kingston’s version capture most eloquently Professor Spiersy’s truly transformative ‘vision’ for the institution, and has won full approval from the BOG (Board of Governors) after their latest celebratory dinner held in a hotel in Windsor Great Park.

As part of the ongoing Clown House Strategy, the new song will be used at all public events sponsored by the University, sung by our acclaimed Town House Choir (sadly now a Quartet due to recent efficiency savings in the Music dept). It will also be backed up vocally by our new University mascot, Poly the Parrot, which has been trained to squawk loudly at the end of each 8-line stanza, thus bringing pure joy to the Senior Leadership Team and any members of the public who have the University’s unique gold earmuffs to hand.

Do bear in mind that it is traditional at Eton that the song is best sung while in a boat on the Thames and, to meet this convention, Kingston will now have an old rowing boat on hand to float past the Rose Theatre on graduation days, which parents will be able to join for a modest £1,000 fee, or a simple large donation to the Town House lift repair fund.

Ordinarily, only the first, sixth, seventh and eighth stanzas are sung, and Kingston will abide by this quaint olde English tradition.

The Eton Kingston Boating Song.

Stanza 1:

Jolly boating weather,

Will KU sink or swim?

Swing, swing together,

But our future’s looking grim;

Skirting past the rushes,

Of the smelly Hogsmill stream,

I am your Vice-Clown,

The cat that’s got the cream.

Stanza 2:

Let’s be dim together,

And exercise ‘Future Skills’,

We’re in this mess forever,

And it gives me lots of thrills;

Let’s navigate together!

And transform your tiny brain,

‘Future Skills’ are lovely,

I’ll repeat this again and again.

Stanza 3:

Our skills are ‘sector-leading’,

A claim I like to instill,

But since every Uni is doing them,

Our competitive advantage is nil;

Yet I remain your Leader,

And ‘Gold’ Spiersy is my name,

My ego is gigantic,

And all I want is fame.

Stanza 4:

So pull, pull together,

’cause your VC is a great chap,

I’m desperate for a Knighthood,

Even though I am really crap;

I think I’m really clever,

But my staff think I’m really not,

We’ll suffer Future Ills together

’cause I’m just a massive clot.

Stanza 5:

I really like the Daily Telegraph,

The greatest paper around,

And in its very pages,

Lots of my ideas have been found;

Let’s ‘transform’ Kingston Uni,

With lots of business-style quack lit,

Even though much of this lingo,

Is plagiarized ’70s bullshit.

Stanza 6:

Sink, sink together!

Because we’ve hit the rocks,

But while your job is tanking,

I’ll still be earning lots;

I’ve spent loads of KU money,

On lots of shiny things,

But the Strategy is so risky,

The results are embarrassingly thin.

Stanza 7:

We’ve fallen in League Tables,

And thrown out lots of staff,

But our prospects remain unstable,

As my Leadership skills are naff;

So swing, swing together!

Keep my ‘future ambitions’ safe,

We just need to save £20 million,

And cut out all the ‘waste’.

Stanza 8:

Work harder for our future,

Until you are fit to drop,

And stop your silly questions,

Or I’ll ensure you face the chop;

If we sink below the water,

You can wave your career goodbye,

My ‘Future Skills’ won’t save you,

Whatever they really are.

Stanza 9:

For I am your Dear Leader,

And Spiersy is my name,

I’m transforming Kingston Uni,

Back to Poly status again;

So be really grateful,

That I am in control,

And please don’t tell the media,

That I’m an overpaid ar–hole.

 

Copyright: Spiermint Rhino Productions, London.

(Please avoid singing Stanza 9, or I will be very mad at you).