KU sends S.O.S. (Sad Old Spier) message

Diddums. We are reliably informed by sources close to the top that the Golden One is not happy. It was to be the highlight of the University’s academic year, and Kingston’s Vice-Commander and very part-time Admiral, Steven ‘Polyversity’ Spier, had proclaimed in his usual boring and parrot-like way that the not-to-be-missed ‘VC and SLT staff address’ would be an opportunity for all his staff to learn more about the new ‘future direction’ he is steering the steamship S.S. Kingston in.

Excited messages were sent to all KU staff about how the one-hour address on Wednesday 14 July would be a ‘hybrid’ event, being both in the Courtyard in the Town House (Vice-Admiral Speer’s favourite piece of architectural legacy) and live streamed for staff to watch remotely. The Gold Commander also claimed it would be the ‘first of other similar style events’ for all staff to lap up in awe via the monolithic £41.3m Town House and its unique ‘space’. You could hear the groans from miles away.

Staff were even invited to ask questions, although these had to be submitted beforehand via a form, so they could be carefully vetted and nothing like a genuine question was posed (what do you think this is? A University?). Everything was set for a golden masterpiece event led by Supreme Leader Spiersy and his Senior Silver Leader Team (SSLT). However, the reality was very different. Predictably, given the useless and inept way KU and its SSLT always operates, the supremely important ‘VC and SLT address’ quickly ran into some hugely embarrassing problems.

Just three days before the event, panic set in among the SSLT when it was realised that hardly any staff had signed up to the event, either to attend in person or online via the streaming service. The number of confirmed attendees was pathetically small, raising the prospect of there being more members of the SSLT present in the Courtyard than staff in the audience. The number of online registrations was also piss-poor. A hasty ‘staff communication’ was issued, sent late on Monday afternoon, desperately pleading for more staff to confirm they would attend: ‘The VC and SLT staff address is just three days away. Thank you to all colleagues who have already indicated their attendance, online or on campus’. It was designed to create a sense that more staff had registered than really had. It only increased registrations by just a small trickle. Given the way Spiersy and his overpaid dogsbodies on the SSLT have treated staff over the last year, it was obvious many had voted with their feet and felt little enthusiasm for the VC’s big talk (or ‘bore-fest’ as one PA described it).

It was good judgement, as the ‘VC and SLT staff address’ was as boring, vacuous and poor as most knew it would be. The Commandant’s speaking style is about as exciting as watching paint dry, with far too many pauses and ponderous ‘ums’ and ‘ers’. No wonder his former students had hated his lecturing style before he became the Gold One. After a brief introduction by the new head of HR, Emily Boynton, the Gold Commandant kicked off proceedings with a few bland words on ‘Our achievements’, which was quickly followed by a short video film of students praising KU to high heaven. This was followed by a yawn-inducing ‘financial update’ from Caroline Harries (who claimed the University was in better financial shape than for years, but also admitted there has been a massive drop in income from overseas students), some forgettable lines on ‘Provost priorities’ from Helen Laville, some boring statements of the obvious on ‘Supporting our students’ from Sue Reece, and some completely unpersuasive and insulting spin on how the Uni ‘supports’ its staff from Emily Boynton, KU’s squeaky new HR head.

It was all rounded off with some comments on ‘Creating our future direction’ from the Admiral, who sounded bored with his own address. If any staff were expecting to find out more detail about the University’s actual future, they were rudely disappointed. Instead, there was some absurd comments from Spiersy on how wonderful and fantastic Plan 2020 had been and how KU22+ was ‘fixing things’. The University was also leading the way in innovative skills, and would be a Uni with ‘a broad portfolio’, points the Vice-Admiral has parroted on the University website already. And the future? Don’t hold your breath. He and the SSLT are going to ‘design a strategy’ in the autumn and have a ‘big conversation’ in the University. As far as Spiersy was concerned, everything is rosy in the KU garden.

It was all empty and lacking in real detail or substance, and clearly left the very few people in the audience (those who were still awake, that is) wondering how he ever became a ‘VC’. The only message that came through is one that most staff knew already: it is all about S.O.S. – ‘Saving Our Spier’. More ‘restructuring’ will happen and sad old Spiersy’s vision really does seem to be to take Kingston back to its old Polytechnic days, a kind of much-diminished hybrid between a hollowed out University and a glorified technical college: in other words, a ‘Polyversity’. As if to reinforce this meagre S.O.S. message, the same day saw a ‘photocall’ on the top of the Town House where Spier announced a new arrangement has been signed with the local FE college. Hardly earth-shattering. There is Spier-world and the real world.

There was nothing, of course, about the huge waste and financial mismanagement Spier and his SSLT have foisted on the University since he became VC, or any apology about all the jobs he has destroyed, or any mention of all the mental trauma he has created through frequent ‘consultations’ and slimlining. The acrimonious split with St. Georges was also conveniently brushed over. By the time the hour was over, those staff who had been foolish enough to attend were crawling up the walls, shell-shocked from the sheer tedium and emptiness of it all. Unsurprisingly, when Spiersy had finished his address, there was ‘no time’ to answer questions from the floor or sent online. Staff were asked to submit them later.

And, to make matters worse, the prestige event had been near unwatchable to those who were trying to follow things via the live stream service. Shortly afterwards, the Uni had to issue an embarrassed message: ‘We apologise for those who watched the live stream and had issues with the videos lagging, this was due to a Microsoft Teams issue and has been noted for future events’. That just about summed up the event: everything Spier touches doesn’t turn to gold, but to crap instead.

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2 Responses to KU sends S.O.S. (Sad Old Spier) message

  1. Admissions Officer says:

    From: The Admissions Office
    President Xi Jinping University (formerly the Horatio Nelson University)
    Ripofferton, UK

    Dear Applicant,

    I am pleased to inform you that you have been successful in your application for a place on our decolonised four-year Critical Race Theory in the Age of Patriarchy degree course, and that our offer is unconditional.

    Because of the continuing precautions necessitated by Covid-19 the course will, for the first two years at least, be conducted remotely. However, at some point in the future we hope to welcome you in person to our faculty, based in the Michie Building (Unit 9) on the Ripofferton Industrial Estate located on the A627 Ring Road.

    Your academic tutor will be Dr. Abaturu Buhari, who is a visiting professor from the University of The Gambia. Because of the current travel restrictions, Dr. Buhari is based at his home in Banjul.

    Marjorie Ecclescake from our Department of Gender Realignment will be your personal tutor. Marjorie is contactable 24/7 for any student who has doubts about their gender.

    Freshers’ Week begins on Wednesday September 22 and will last for two days. During this time you can form virtual relationships with other students as you attend our compulsory Zoom courses on White Privilege, Avoiding Loneliness and Depression, and In-Room Exercising.

    Please note that during Freshers’ Week you will be required to attend a tour of the campus supervised by Covid Marshals. The tour will begin in the George Floyd Memorial Garden, where the University Chaplain, Bishop Joanna Penberthy, will lead the ‘Taking the Knee’ ceremony and give white students the opportunity to publicly testify their shame and guilt.

    Double masks, gloves and visors MUST be worn during this tour.

    All University buildings will unfortunately be closed until further notice, with the exception of the Josef Mengele Vaccination Centre, where you can receive your compulsory six-monthly booster.

    The University encourages all students to develop their social as well as academic skills. Because of the restrictions caused by the new lockdown, our playing fields are currently closed, but members of our active Sports Union can take part in the Sky Sports Fantasy Football League, online Scrabble, FIFA-19 and Fortnite.

    Students are also encouraged to spend their free time on Twitter to correct any harmful anti-vax, climate-denying or racist disinformation they may encounter, and to press for the perpetrators to be arrested or, at least, cancelled.

    We look forward to receiving your payment for the annual course fee of £9,250 and £5,000 for your accommodation charges within the next ten days. If the total of £14,250 is not forthcoming, the University will not hesitate to take legal action.

    You will be reassured to know that many of our students have found work with the BBC and other media organisations, and our alumni are well represented in internationally known High Street catering businesses that offer cheap but nourishing food and drink.

    Yours faithfully,

    Marylou Ogreburg

    Admissions Officer

  2. Ivor Rectum B.A. (Hons) says:

    Only at KU could a university that for so long tolerated a lousy estate but held a large financial reserve decide to blow the latter on a £41.3M slab at just the time that university education was moving online – apparently irrevocably so. A special kind of stupid …

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