Friendly fire from Chief Petty Office Nil Latham

Right you ‘orrible lot

Potential Marking Boycott (Action short of a strike) from 28 April 2014

I am writing to threaten you over potential industrial action at the University, ahead of an agreement to proceed. The proposed assessment boycott could have a very serious impact on the management, including our ability to impose our will on you all. We want to take every possible step to protect my reputation as a KU bruiser.

You may be aware that the University College Union (UCU) is asking its members, a bunch of academic nancys, to take further industrial action in response to the 2013/14 sector final pay offer of 1 per cent (it’s all you deserve). It wouldn’t be allowed in the forces. If action goes ahead, you lot’ll sit on your arses and boycott marking, course work assignments and examinations, commencing on 28 April 2014.

In case you’re dumb enough to do this, I am writing to all academic staff to ensure that, whilst you’d be better off continuing to work normally, anyone who is considering participating in the action is aware of the consequences of doing so – ie you’re stuffed sunshine. We appreciate that not all academic staff are trade union members, or will be involved in this action, but we need to write to the entire shower as we are not provided with the names of UCU members. Anyone got a list they can let me have?

If you decide to take part in the continuous ‘action short of a strike’ (ARSE) and do not fulfil all the requirements of your contract, you will not be entitled to any of your contractual pay. Which means you won’t get paid nothing, zilch, sweet FA, you get me? This applies from the date you commence partial performance of your contract, until the end of action. You’ll also be forced to take cold baths and be keel-hauled. This may be either because you have informed us of your participation in ARSE, or because we decide that for ourselves, or we don’t like the look of your face.

If you intend to take part in the action, I would ask you to declare via the link below https://www.staffnobble.com/s/ARSE2014  no later than Monday 28 April 2014.

Please note, if you take part in the assessment boycott but undertake other duties, you’ll be working for free, which you all bloody well should do anyway. The University is under no obligation to pay you for any work done during the period in which you participate in this industrial action

If, at a later stage, you change your position or resume working normally, please notify your Head of School/manager immediately and in writing, so that we can arrange for your salary to be reinstated from that point, if you haven’t already been sacked.

If you are a member of a pension scheme, you lose out there too. Ha ha, serves you right.

I wish to emphasise that the approach outlined in this letter has been determined because we think our staff are a load of crap and we’re scared what the papers might say. Employee relations? Don’t make me laugh! This approach is being taken by the vast majority of HE institutions that would be affected by this potential industrial action. It is not intended to exacerbate the situation, but is part of a clear and consistent sector response to attempt to crush the will out of the overpaid and underworked staff that try to make management life hell. I very much hope that the national discussions will resolve the dispute before 28 April, but if they don’t it’s a good excuse to weed out a few.

If you have any queries about this letter please contact the Job Centre.

Yours sincerely

Chief Petty Officer Nil Latham

Pro Vice-Chancellor (Corporate Neoliberisation) and University Hitman

 

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