KU’s Gold Commander keeps it Bronze

All staff and students will be overjoyed to hear that Professor Fixit is on the case. Kingston’s self-described ‘Gold Commander’, AKA the VC, has been busily meeting his crack Leadership Team to try to fix the Covid emergency and ensure the University’s evolving pandemic response programme remains exactly the same as it was in August, despite that annoying change in local tier. Our exclusive photo shows Commander Spier with other close SLLT (Senior Lack-of-Leadership Team) members, including Dave ‘I’m Knackered’ Macintosh, chair of the Campus Re-entrenchment Programme, who has been tasked with creating a new anti-Covid chemical with his old test-tube and a Bunson Burner, and Simon Moron-Worthless, Professor of Sleeping (around) Studies, who has been specially tasked with creating new gender equality initiatives using the on-campus hand-gel.

A spokesperson for Commander Spier said: ‘Yes, it’s business as usual in the Holmewood Bunker, er, Command Centre at Pandemic, sorry, Penrhyn Road. We have already addressed and dismissed the silly Health and Safety concerns of those Moaning Minnies in the so-called trade union, YUCU, and The Golden One, after taking careful advice from his top team and some bloke he met on the bus, has also taken firm executive action over Covid concerns. He has created a brand new fund for office expansion and refurbishment on the first floor of the Bunk, sorry, Command Centre, to house new interim Covid Response Advisory Personnel (CRAP) team members to aid the Silver Command. Orders for some nice new sofas have already been made, and a new supply of staplers have been secured from abroad (Hong Kong), for the exclusive use of those who rank Silver and above’.

The VC will also be releasing an exciting new video starring himself. The music dept at Kingston Hill has been tasked with composing a soundtrack to accompany this, ‘as John Williams is not available at the moment’. You don’t say!

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