Dick Royal – Reading fan

Sorry I couldn’t report on the Brighton game. The missus filled me with so much Christmas pudding and glasses of sherry I fell asleep. Sounds like that useless Clarkson did too. Two nil up? Get rid of him.

We need Atkins back. Not just coz he’s a good manager.

That idiot Tim Dellors summed it up. Don’t feel sorry for him, he got £850,000 pay off.

So now when we can only just beat these bumpkins, we need a manager who can fire up the boys. As you know I’ve always been an admirer of Atkins. Nice bloke, good record, positive attitude and talks a lot of sense. Since we had to pay him a fortune, we should have him doing something useful

Now we’ve got this idiot Clarkson, his speciality is losing two goal leads. Chris Grunter and Gordon Obita are starting to look sensible; they just can’t defend. Glynn Murray will clear off soon and with Hal Ronson-Kanu is starting to be slightly less useless than he was, we could do with a proper manager or just a proper captain.

Jim Karacan’s never gonna get a chance now. I think he’s too short. Clarkson can’t see him.

Maybe I need to get a bit nearer to the dug out so that Clarkson can hear me properly. That dim boy Charlie started his tuneless singing this week to try and help the team.

Anyone want a dimwitted lowlife know all, who’s about 12 going on 45? Can’t have him spouting off when I need to tell the manager where he’s going wrong.

Otherwise Clarkson will only from idiots like him and the rest of you, instead of me.

URZZZZZ

Well I told Majeski he needed to get rid of Atkins and he listened to me.

But then he appointed another idiot. Who has heard of Steve Clarkson anyway?

And it don’t matter how many managers you get, you’ll never make Mick Blackman a better player.

Bringing a sub on with 10 seconds to go? Clarkson out!

Dimwit Charlie was gobbing off again coz no-one was singing. Have you heard that half-witted cretin and his tuneless drivel? It’s a good job I’m there to tell the rest of the crowd all about football coz they’re all thick and if it wasn’t for me they’d have to listen to him on his own.

Well even with our latest stupid manager I’ll keep on doing the business for the Royals with my knowledge and expertise until Majeski and Mrs Satsuma finally see sense and appoint me.

Until then, they might as well bring back Atkins. He  was doing a good job. Don’t listen to what Reading fans say. They’re fickle and stupid.

URZZZZZ

You still here Atkins?

Come on, you better start emptying your desk. I’ve been getting my CV into shape and I  think Mrs Satsuma will realise my advice was being ignored at Birmingham. And she ain’t daft. Apart from buying this shambles that is.

The Evening Post said they gotta get the wage bill down. Well they could do that by getting rid of you Atkins, you useless Scouser.

Majeski knows I’m available and I’m sure he’ll be having a word with her. If I can sit in that dug out I can get away from that dum boy Charlie and my thick mates who don’t know anything about football.

Also means I could get out quick and get the bus home after a match. In fact dumbo Charlie could do the TV interviews coz I won’t be giving all my secrets away to old Clem on the Football League Show. Just you lot who know  nothing about football.

Here’s a postmortem on Saturday. Alan Federici – useless. Stephan Kelly – useless. Michael Hector – useless. Jack Cooper – useless. Chris Grunter – useless. Oliver Morewood – useless. Denny Williams – useless. Gordon Obita – useless. Glyn Murray – useless. Simon Cox – useless. Garath McCreadie – useless.

Just wait till I get there.

URZZZZ

Get out Atkins you halfwit.

This shambles never looked like scoring. It was so boring that idiot boy of mine Charlie shut his gob for once.

Now we know the dodgy Russian has caused us another season of being broke, we ain’t going to win anything for years.

I didn’t even bother giving my top notch advice yesterday. Instead I chatted to the fake Geordie and my dim mate Dave.

I don’t know what was going on one the pitch. Not much by the look of it. Gordon Obita’s overrated, Jack Cooper was a flash in the pan and Chris Grunter is second rate.

It need Majeski to sort this lot out. Atkins can’t be sacked by Mrs Satsuma cos she’s never here.

Anyone got her number? I think I need to give her a call.

URZZZZZ.

As I’ve always said Atkins is a top top manager and all you lot who know nothing about football should stop your moaning.

Who else would have thought of putting Jack Cooper up there to bang in two goals? And as I’ve always said Gordon Obita and Oliver Morewood were just the right players to stick the ball on Jackie boy’s head.

Atkins needs a new contract now. Keep him there for ten years and we’re bound to get up eventually.

Chris Grunter finally had a game where he wasn’t useless but Ronson-Kanu needs to get another club. Maybe Atkins will take him  when he finally gets the sack. Be good to get rid of both of them.

Or maybe the fans will just keep on moaning at him, then he’ll go. Reading fans eh? They never make any sense.

URZZZZZ

Always knew this would happen.

As soon as Atkins wins one he has to lose one.

Grunter’s overrated Gordon Obita’s shot and what’s the point of bringing Ronson_Kanu on? Ever?

The whole lot of them are either useless or average.

And to make it worse, my dimwit boy Charlie was gobbing off all game. Dopey Dave had to keep asking him what happening coz he’s even more stupid than Charlie.

I don’t know why I have around with these idiots.

Might go and stay overnight at Cardiff now so I can give Atkins the benefit of my knowledge down there. Alfie Le Fondre’ll probably score so we’ll hang around and sort out a few of their lot.

I don’t know where this game would be without me.

URZZZZZZ

That’s it Atkins, not long left.

As I’ve said his missus picks the team and he has to explain it on Radio Berkshire.

That idiot Tim Dellors asked him what he was playing at and he said ‘I want to win games of football’.  Well I’m glad to know that Atkins. Trouble is you don’t win any.

Gordon Obita gets worse by the game, Chris Grunter can get about three passes right each game and Hal Ronson-Kanu can’t do anything.

Dellors said you left Pog on the bench. Well Dellors it’s better than putting him in the team.

Atkins will have to take his two sons with him when we sack him. They’re working as sports scientists there and well, if I’m not mistaken they’re about as good as him.

We might need more of them soon though. If the rest of the squad get injured we might have to get the girls’ team on the pitch while his boys try to do something about the bus load of injured players we pay for doing nothing.

Then we can get rid of the whole bleed’n’ squad and start again coz they are entirely useless. Like you lot who don’t know anything about football and just keep moaning.

You need to stay loyal like me. And don’t jump to conclusions.

URZZZZZZ

Now I know how to shut my dimwit boy Charlie up.

Bring him to a match like that. Even he couldn’t think of anything stupid to say about a game where nothing happened.

We lose 3-0 to the top team at home then win 3-0 against the bottom team at home. So where are we going to end up? Half-way, that’s where.

I got back to the radio and Atkins was waffling on about summat or other but he was lucky, he stayed awake. Blimey, I nearly had to sit down yesterday, I was dropping off.  And me arthritis was playing up so I even stopped telling Atkins what to do.

But never mind I told Majeski what to do instead. The old git was talking to his posh friends afterwards and I had a quiet word about why he sacked Brian McDermott but he said he didn’t.

I think he’d had a few too many bottles of London Pride so I bought him a cappuccino and told him he ought to not dribble in front of Mrs Satsuma when she comes back.

It’s hard work, you know. I help that idiot Atkins on the pitch and sort out the drunken old fool of a chairman off it.

But that’s not all. I’ve now got to ring Radio Berkshire and have a word with Tim Dellors. Did you hear that idiot? He said by the end of the season we’d not only be playing Antony Ferdinand in defence but we’d have his brother Rico too.

How many stupid things can one person say?

URZZZZZZ

Hope you lot, who know nothing about, football finally see that I’m right.

Gordon Obita was a flash in the pan. Chris Grunter should never be captain and most important of all Adkins has to go.

Even my halfwit boy Charlie began to shut up after the ten minutes when we were buzzing in the first half.

Now what Atkins? Mrs Satsuma ain’t going to tolerate this much longer.

Trouble if Atkins goes they’ll have to sack his sons too who work at the club. That might take a few weeks to sort out so by that time Cardiff will have sacked Russell Slade and we can have him.

Clock’s ticking Atko! You know I’m right.

URZZZZZ

What’s everyone moaning about?

Bound to lose matches like this when you’ve got Atkins picking his half-witted teams and then getting all upset.

A little while ago everyone was raving about Chris Grunter and Gordon Obita, and now thanks to that idiot Atkins we’ve turned them into complete dimwits. GET RID OF THEM.

Not until Majeski and Mrs Satsuma put a few million in the bank will we be able to get rid of the manager and and all the dopey players we’ve got and bring back Steve Coppell.

We have to get rid of the entire squad and let Stevie-boy buy in a new lot.

Think about it over the international break and then tell me your thoughts.

Be sensible though. No knee-jerk reactions.

URRRZZZZZ